Comfort friends when they're in pain

"Sympathize with him and comfort him."

- Job 2:11 (NIV)

It happened again. Someone I know complained that when they lost a loved one, they heard some unkind and insensitive comments made to them by others.

Giving support and condolences during a friend's time of misfortune takes some time, tenderness, compassion and understanding. There have been times I've prayed to make sure I am sensitive the needs of others in their grief.

At times, friends' condolences can seem unkind and insensitive. In my times of grief, I can remember hearing some remarks that hurt rather than helped, too. When I was 28 and lost my mother, a young friend told me not to worry, she was in a better place. Although I knew that, it didn't keep me from missing her. I realized this friend hadn't lost anyone close to them. So they didn't understand how or what I was feeling. So I just let it go.

I remember times in my life I could identify with Job - the man and the account of his story in the Bible. In his grief, Job's three friends came to him and offered what he felt was criticism rather than support. Job had lost his children, home and livestock (his means to make money). Besides this, he started having health problems. He was overwhelmed with physical and emotional pain over his losses. He had to learn to trust God and forgive his well-meaning friends. In the end God gave him double for his trouble.

As time has gone by, I realize giving a condolence can be an awkward for many. They don't know what to say or do or how to handle the situation. So, I'd like to share some of the ways we can give appropriate support when someone is hurting from a loss.

The greatest need a grieving person has is for someone to listen to their pain. Oftentimes, we can make the mistake of offering advice saying things such as "It will get better," or "you just have to move on." Another popular remark is, "you've got to have faith."

Most of the time the mourners know these things, but at the time of their loss these aren't the consoling words that soothe their aching heart.

Saying something more sensitive such as, "Anytime you want to talk I'm available to listen; I'm sorry you're going through this" or "I'm praying for you" can be more consoling.

Above and beyond saying anything at all is giving a big hug, pat on the back or touch of the hand. We don't have to talk to console. Sometimes just being present is all that is needed.

Many grieving friends have mentioned that they appreciate when others continue to reach out weeks and months later. Initially, mourners are surrounded by family and friends, but after the funeral it can be a time of loneliness.

We can help others handle a loss by sending a card or a personal gift, taking time to call them, providing a meal or spending some time with them. These simple acts can provide emotional support and be a gift they will cherish forever.

• Annettee Budzban is a Christian author, speaker, life coach and nurse. She can be contacted at annetteebudzban@aol.com or (847) 543-8413.