How to convince Mom or Dad it's time to move

All of us get there sooner or later. Our parents start failing, whether physically or cognitively, and we need to find a safer way and place for them to live.

It is daunting task that can be made easier with knowledge, professional assistance and some deep breaths.

The COVID crisis set many families back in this effort, said Tony Maranto, director of admissions and marketing for Plum Creek Supportive Living in Rolling Meadows. Families and the seniors they love were reluctant to make any move. They just hunkered down at home and waited for a vaccine.

But now that the vaccine is widely available, many families are stepping forward and finally taking up the search once again for a new home for their elderly loved ones.

Plum Creek is unique because it solely provides "supportive living," a level of care synonymous with "assisted living," but which is subsidized by Medicaid and available to those who cannot handle the cost of such care without assistance.

The Illinois Supportive Living Program is operated by the state Department of Healthcare and Family Services and offers an alternative to nursing homes for low-income older residents and those with physical disabilities.

The apartments and services available at Plum Creek are comparable to those in neighboring private or insurance pay facilities, Maranto said.

The convincing

The decision-making process is the same, no matter the exact type of senior community or the financial status of the elderly person.

Maranto offered the same or at least similar tips as others interviewed for this story - Mark Zullo, vice president of sales and marketing at Friendship Village in Schaumburg, and Dee Novak, vice president of sales and marketing for Lexington Square in Lombard and Elmhurst.

"I suggest that family members bring their loved one on a tour of the facility and let them see that it is not the institutional 'nursing home' that they remember their own grandparents living in," Maranto said. "Many low-income individuals, in particular, don't know all of the options that now exist for them."

Zullo agreed. "Never push a reluctant individual. I suggest that family members set up a lunch or dinner in our dining room and they don't even need to meet me. We just want to get them in the front door to have a meal and get a feel for the community. That often changes the whole dynamic.

"It also helps if the individual has a friend who is already living at Friendship. Sometimes they have visited that friend already and have a feeling for the community's lifestyle," Zullo added. "Our current residents are our best salespeople."

"For most 75, 80 or 80+ people, it is also an issue of pride," Maranto continued. "It is hard to admit that you can no longer do everything for yourself."

Over time, adverse incidents can stack up - falls, burns, etc. - and eventually you will have one that becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back and Mom or Dad has to be moved. It is better to make a decision - or at least do your research - before things reach that point," Maranto urged.

"You definitely don't want to wait until something bad happens to Mom or Dad," agreed Novak at Lexington Square. "Then they could be searching for a new home while suffering from an injury or other medical problem. It is better to have an honest conversation well before that."

"It is sometimes helpful to paint a picture for your loved one of what could happen if, for instance, a blizzard struck and they ran short of food," she continued. "It is better to find them a safe situation where they are not alone. So, encourage them to attend an event or a lunch or even volunteer at a nearby senior facility and see what it is like."

"They will probably discover that living with contemporaries with whom they can kibbutz and enjoy activities and camaraderie is much better than sitting alone in an empty home, watching television or reading a book," Novak added.

People often turn to the internet for their initial search, so if your loved one is short of funds, remember to search "supportive living" to find the communities you seek, Maranto said.

Also, oftentimes it is easier on the family when their elderly loved one spends time in a rehabilitation center and an unbiased party outside of the family - like a social worker or physician - tells everyone that the individual can no longer live alone, he said.

"Learn the warning signs. If you see them no longer cooking or keeping up with their housekeeping or laundry, start doing your research so you don't later have to make an overnight decision. If they move before things get really bad, they can sit back and socialize and enjoy their new home," Maranto said.

Dealing with the past

Once the decision to move has been made, how do you deal with the "stuff" your parent, aunt or uncle has accumulated over the years, including their home?

Of course, it is important to get a real estate agent to appraise the value of the property. It's prudent to also consult an attorney who specializes in real estate. But then what comes next depends on your circumstances.

Many will need to call in friends and family to help sort through the elderly person's belongings and decide what to keep and move to their new situation, what to sell, what to donate and what to trash. Junk services can be very helpful.

Novak at Lexington Square suggests deciding what you want to keep and moving it all out to your new home before everything is dismantled.

"It is much better to travel back to your home periodically to sort through the things you spent a lifetime accumulating because then you can return to your new home and have dinner with your new friends - instead of sitting alone each evening in the midst of boxes," Novak said.

The Lexington Square communities have partners who can assist in the move.

Friendship Village has provided a Wrap, Pack and Move Program as part of its service since about 2000. It has retained an outside "senior move coordinator" who visits the future resident's existing home and provides pre-move cleaning and organizing (sorting into move, donate, sell and throw away piles). They can even coordinate an estate sale if that is indicated. However, the cost of movers is not covered.

At the other end of the move, the move coordination team unpacks everything at Friendship Village, right down to hanging the artwork.

Zullo said new residents absolutely love the service and almost all of them opt for it. If the family decides to do the sorting and packing, then Friendship foots the bill for the moving company instead.

Smoothing the transition

The first few days after the move are crucial when a new resident moves into any community. They can suddenly remember how it felt to be the "new kid" at school, so intervention by the community's staff is vital.

At Friendship Village, the sales team immediately calls on the new residents to make sure that they have everything they need and are comfortable. Then, over the next week or so, Zullo said, key staff members stop by to introduce themselves and explain their part of the operation. New residents are also assigned a resident who becomes their "Welcoming Buddy." The buddy helps them meet people, dines with them for a period of time and "shows them the ropes" until they feel comfortable on their own.

The Lexington Square communities have a similar program for introducing residents to their new homes. Ambassadors greet them and explain about meals, events, clubs and so forth. They also assign each new resident a "buddy" who explains the intricacies of Lexington life, such as the importance of getting to the gazebo early for Happy Hour and when you should or should not dress up and which of the chef's meals are the "favorites."

"We also have well-established staffs at both buildings who make them feel like family homes. Some have been there nearly 30 years," Novak said.