Dealing with emotional challenges when considering senior living

The emotions involved when a senior moves into a senior living facility can be overwhelming - especially when a health or mobility problem forces the move.

The senior can feel panicky about what might be ahead of him or her and their concerned loved ones can feel inundated with responsibility if the senior refuses to adjust their living environment to one where there is a dedicated staff of people to watch over their needs.

"I often say to my clients that until you have been part of a system/world, it is like learning a new language," said Kelly Jobe, a social worker on the Care Coordination Team at the Kenneth Young Center in Elk Grove Village. "You need someone to break things down and explain what everything means like the different types of facilities, levels of care and so forth. After that, it becomes a lot less scary."

The Kenneth Young Center is a nonprofit organization offering mental health and senior services with locations in several Northwest suburban communities.

"Then there are the emotional issues," she continued. "When the adult children feel that their parent should move and the older adult disagrees, I am often called in as the third-party mediator. All too often the kids are being 'proactive,' but the parents are being 'reactive.' The older adult should make their own decision, but I am there to answer questions, educate everyone, slow things down (if necessary) and be empathetic."

Many seniors sincerely fear senior facilities because their impression of them comes from years ago when their parents and grandparents were living in them. Today things are different and Jobe said that those fears just need to be honestly addressed.

Experts say you also need to consider that your parents could be experiencing a sense of grief or loss … over the loss of independence and a familiar neighborhood and surroundings, as well as grief and loss when revisiting old memories or possessions (particularly for a widow or widower).

Grief can show itself as shock, anger or guilt and is perfectly normal. However, if these feelings linger too long, intervention may be needed.

"My role is to advocate for older adults' rights, but sometimes the medical experts say that individuals cannot return home after rehab or a hospital stay and it happens very fast. Other times, the children become concerned and try to prevent a setback or tragedy by moving their parents before one occurs," she said.

And when the child is the opposite gender from the parent, things become even more challenging because personal care issues can be embarrassing.

During the height of the COVID pandemic, Jobe was forced to conduct all of these conversations over the phone and everyone was understandably afraid to move anyone into a senior facility and be isolated from visitors. But now admissions to senior communities are happening more often again, even when there is not an emergency involved, Jobe said.

"I am once again counseling adult children to articulate specific concerns when they talk to their parent about a possible move, like 'You fell three times last week,' or 'You are losing weight because you aren't cooking anymore,' " she said. "But, if possible, don't have more than two family members meet with the senior because you don't want them to feel ambushed. Let there be an interaction. Allow them to respond to your concerns and have a conversation. In fact, if it isn't an emergency, spread the conversation out over several visits."

Then, offer to go with them to tour several facilities and make their own decision about where they want to live next. Help them research places beforehand so every place you visit is within their price range. Touring a place that they can't afford will only make them feel dissatisfied with their eventual choice.

Adult children can also ask their parent if they would like assistance with the necessary paperwork and interactions with their new community, Jobe suggested. Assembling the needed bank statements and other necessary details can seem daunting when one is in the midst of a lifestyle change. Those who are short on funds and need to seek a supportive living (Medicaid-paid) community may need even more family assistance in terms of paperwork.

Those in a position to move into a new situation before they clean out and sell their longtime home should consider that. Seniors can then take what they think they will want in their new situation and change their mind if what they take doesn't quite fit. They can also work with family members on "the old place" during specific times and afterward return to have dinner and socialize with their new friends instead of sitting alone amid the boxes.

Remember to also be sensitive to a parent's a possible fear of going to a new place: meeting new people, getting used to a new schedule, a new way of doing things, getting possessions organized in the new house or apartment and even uncertainty about trusting the nursing staff and new neighbors.

"My overall message to adult children is to slow down and put yourself in your parents' shoes. It is their decision whether or not to move and you just have to slow down and be patient. Emotions can run high, so you have to have the conversation at their pace," Jobe added.

Remember that moving is always stressful, but good planning, education and preparation can help alleviate much of that angst.