Jim O'Donnell: Curious yellow pixies greatly weakened CBS, Super Bowl 55
VIEWERS TUNED INTO Super Bowl 55 with the expectation that The Weeknd was the star of the halftime show.
Few realized that in the end, "weakened" would be a fair summary of the game's entertainment value.
From stem to second-quarter sinkhole, SB 55 goes into the "Big Event" annals as one of the most tedious TV spectacles since Al Pacino tried to summon the Jimmy Hoffa within in Netflix's meandering "The Irishman" (2019).
By the third quarter of "TomPa" Bay's 31-9 tour de farce over Patrick Mahomes and Kansas City, moths had to be dying on HDTV screens from Seattle to South Beach.
As soon as referee Carl Cheffers and his all-star crew began to neuter the Chiefs with their "Dance of the Yellow Pixies," any semblance of "game" was finito.
Of most serious residual to the NFL, the frantic flurry of one-sided penalties led to widespread mainstream perception there was something out of the ordinary in SB 55.
Social media storms have produced dreaded appendages such as "zebra vampires," "energy suckers" and - gasp - "fixed."
Of course, nothing could be further from the "truth of the moment" in the illusory TV land that Commissioner Roger Goodell and his coven of imagineers oversee.
Although, Matt Bonesteel of The Washington Post stitched together a pastiche of fact about the history of Cheffers and the Chiefs that can only intrigue.
Among Bonesteel's touchpoints:
• In January 2017, Cheffers was lead official in a divisional playoff that ended with Pittsburgh beating KC 18-16.
The game was decided when a holding call on Chiefs tackle Eric Fisher wiped out a successful 2-point conversion.
• After the game, star Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce said of Cheffers: "(He) shouldn't be able to wear a zebra jersey ever again. He shouldn't even be able to work at a (bleeping) Foot Locker."
Kelce was fined $12,500 for his mad-lib.
• During the 2020 regular season, the Chiefs were penalized 105 times - an average of 6.6 per-game.
In the two games that Cheffers officiated - against the Chargers (Sept. 20) and the Raiders (Nov. 22) - KC was flagged 21 times (an average of 10.5 pg).
That represents 20 percent of all Kansas City penalties for the year.
Add to that the 11 Mahomes and droopers were imposted with on Sunday and it's no wonder CBS held on to only 91 million viewers - an 18 percent crater from the 111 million who watched the Patriots-Falcons Super Bowl 51 four years ago.
But "retribution" is such a harsh word.
So in a Super Bowl for the instant trash compactor, "weakened" will have to do.
STREET-BEATIN': Speaking of The Weeknd, the NFL may want to dust off its Halftime Talent Availabilities list. When 12-year-olds and thirtysomethings have no idea who the frenzied fellow is, the league is chasing a tight entertainment pocket. (Rockwell mustn't have been available.) ...
Also on the trail of unknowns, WSCR-AM (670) programming ace Mitch Rosen generated robust chortles with the announcement Matt Spiegel will be paired with Danny Parkins on the struggling station's afternoon show. (In a radio market of roughly 8 million-plus, both of these fine tuners are $50,000 "Jeopardy!" responses.) ...
NBC sports chief Pete Bevacqua joined the front line of the pandemic-optimistic Wednesday when he detailed plans for first-day coverage of the Tokyo Olympics. The planned Opening Ceremonies July 23 begin at 5:55 a.m. Chicago time (and last forever) ...
Porter Moser and his streaking Loyola Ramblers nudge the limelight once again this weekend when both of their Missouri Valley Conference showdowns at Drake air on ESPN2 (Saturday, 11 a.m.; Sunday, 2 p.m.) ...
Former Browns/49ers defensive coordinator Jim O'Neil will be introduced as Northwestern's DC Thursday. (He'll replace the brilliant Mike Hankwitz, who elevated Pat Fitzgerald's D-brain during his 13 seasons on The Enchanted Lakefront.) ...
Richard Johnson - curator of the New England Sports Museum - to Dan Shaughnessy: "Tom Brady has earned his rightful place on Boston's Mount Rushmore while Bill Russell deserves his own mountain." ...
TV historians are also noting T-Brady is older than Ed Asner was during the first three years of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." ...
ESPN2 will track Trevor Lawrence's pro day at Clemson Friday at 9 a.m. (He'll do passing drills and then sit in with Allman Brothers alum Warren Haynes and Gov't Mule.) ...
And veteran comedy writer Ken Levine, in a special Super Bowl 55 coda for Sports Broadcast Journal: "During the last two hours, even the 30,000 cardboard cutouts looked bored."
• Jim O'Donnell's Sports & Media column appears Thursday and Sunday. Reach him at jimodonnelldh@yahoo.com.