O'Donnell: J-Lo and Shakira — was the halftime show #MeToo racy or a bumpy Ice Capades?
JONATHAN SWIFT WROTE in an age when he had neither the benefit or curse of the internet, the DVR and Uber Eats.
In “Gulliver's Travels,” he did note: “What some invent, others enlarge.”
Swift departed far too soon to realize that a contemporary American spectacle called the Super Bowl would be enlarged beyond most rational perspective.
Nor could the Irish satirist possibly imagine that a Super Bowl halftime show featuring two middle-aged ladies shaking their groove things would reinforce the notion that the new national pastime is polarization.
But somehow, J-Lo and Shakira drew that sort of black, white and whatting? after their 15-minute techno-trancing at Hard Rock Stadium Sunday.
Some said their performances were properly energizing, entertaining and event-appropriate.
Others found the bounding booty-ism as family unfriendly as Tiffany Haddish playing a Chuck E. Cheese.
One — a columnist named Heidi Stevens — filled in the blanks under a headline that read: “Where Jennifer Lopez and Shakira's unapologetically sexy halftime fits into #MeToo.”
“For 15 electric minutes,” Stevens wrote, “Jennifer Lopez and Shakira performed a nonstop celebration of life and lust and Latin pop and Puerto Rican / Columbian / Lebanese culture and identity and costumes and footwork. It was muscular and sexy.
Stevens added: “Is it harder for us to take (women) seriously as leaders, scientists, teachers, authors, full humans, as women because of a sexy halftime show?
“I hope the answer is no.”
From a different point of view — rather Swiftian in stride — a former MLB play-by-play man turned comedy writer named Ken Levine (“M*A*S*H,” “Cheers” and others) checked in.
Writing for David J. Halberstam's Sports Broadcast Journal, Levine said:
“The Half-Time Show this year was brought to you by 'Bare Elegance Gentlemen's Club.'
“It starred Shakira and Jennifer Lopez and I'm surprised they didn't collect dollar bills from people in the front row.
“Both are now in the mature category of PornHub — Shakira is 43 and J-Lo is 50.
“Yet they both looked great and both could still bump 'n grind (which is good because neither got where they are because of their extraordinary singing ability).
“I think they were competing to see who will become the next Cher.
“Shakira had a hot red outfit that showed off her midriff, and J-Lo dressed for the Ice Capades.”
So, as Sly Stone thankfully didn't write 50 years ago, different take-aways for different folks.
And one day, when the newly universally inclusive America finally recaptures its soul, it'll be understood that it's OK for scientists and teachers and sports writers to bump 'n grind.
Regardless of gender identification.
REALLY FINAL THOUGHTS on SB 54: Ben and Jerry's should be bringing out a new flavor any day now called, “Kyle's Fourth Quarter Freeze.”
The top three-fourths of the container will be a flowing blend of rich chocolate, vanilla bean and chopped maraschino cherries.
At the bottom will be kale licorice lime mixed with bay scallop remnants.
To blame Jimmy Garoppolo for the loss is like holding Don Lemon responsible for the delayed caucus count in Iowa. (You can only run with what you're given; Vince Lombardi would have called the late bomber to Emmanuel Sanders on first down.)
Kyle Shanahan set the tone for the SF meltdown when he took the chip off the shoulders of the Forty-Niners in the final two minutes of the first half.
The greatest single cutaway shot of the game by Fox director Rich Russo was during that foreboding time mismanagement when he showed San Francisco GM John Lynch futilely signaling for a timeout from one of the executive suites.
Bud Grant went 0-4 in Super Bowls; Marv Levy lost four straight.
At age 40, Shanahan has more than enough time and small-game equity to leave 'em both in the dust.
STREET-BEATIN': It will be a markedly moving moment if NBA All-Star captains LeBron James and Giannis Antetokounmpo take Gianna Bryant No. 1 and Kobe Bryant No. 2 in Thursday night's ASG draft (TNT, 6 p.m.) ...
Both struggling Sports Illustrated and technically defunct ESPN the Magazine issued Kobe tribute issues Wednesday. (Both are available online; SI is also focusing newsstand sales almost exclusively in Philadelphia and Los Angeles.) ...
Basketball great Nancy Lieberman — now a TV analyst with New Orleans — told media she had tentative plans to be with the Bryants to guest coach the Mamba Academy girls the day of the ill-fated helicopter flight. Ironically, Lieberman disclosed the news before being honored at the 40th Annual Thurman Munson Awards dinner in NYC Tuesday night. ...
The Blackhawks will see places even Burton Cummings and The Guess Who never sang about during an intriguing five-game swing through western Canada beginning Sunday at Winnipeg (NBCSCH, 6 p.m.). Eddie Olczyk will man the first three, Steve Konroyd the concluding two as Stan Bowman decides whether a rush including Brandon Saad, Drake Caggiula and Dylan Strome will still be with the team after the Feb. 24 trading deadline. ...
Luck be a Heng Wing tonight: A Palatine craftsman clearly in a state of sanctifying grace invested $200 in a four-square Super Bowl pool and drew 0-0 and KC 1-0 as two of his quartet. That means he netted $4K of the $5K available, hitting everything but the first quarter (KC 7-3) including the $2K final. (On any menu, that's called “hot glee.”) ...
And Teresa Hanafin of The Boston Globe, expressing representative regional outrage over the Red Sox trade of Mookie Betts to the Dodgers, wrote: “Theo Epstein should still be here, Terry Francona should still be here, and Mookie should have roamed Fenway's right field until all his hair fell out.”
• Jim O'Donnell's Sports & Media column appears Thursday and Sunday. Reach him at jimodonnelldh@yahoo.com.