Establishing habits and routine may help with grief
Personal habits can be soothing in coping with grief, especially long-term grief. "Good" habits of course!
Many or all aspects of life change when we lose a close loved one. Especially if the person lost is our spouse or partner - so among other things, you are probably now living alone, unless you still have young children. Even then, you are the lone single parent.
Habits and routine preserve or provide structure in the day.
Routine is a little different than a habit - but they go together nicely. Routine is more of a timeline for the day or week -t ime to rise, time of meals, regular activities, such as when you take a walk, time to feed the pets, go to the gym or exercise class, or go to regular meetings or interest groups.
Habits are activities or rituals you fold into your routine, such as sitting down and having a cup of tea mid-morning, or taking a break and reading the newspaper, or any other little activity that brings enjoyment.
Of course, you had a routine and habits before the death, but new habits and routine can be cultivated. And they can be combined with keeping some your old habits.
Oddly, this is easier if you are still working or still have a young family at home, because these bring their own demands and structure. But it's also more complicated because you face additional "overload" and taking care of "everyone." Nevertheless, a good routine can be established. It often just involves simple small activities.
I learned a lot about routine from my dear husband Baheej. He used to follow a daily routine almost religiously.
On days he had classes, we drove to Chicago. I went to my office and he had a nice breakfast at our University Club before his classes started at noon. He always ordered the same thing, scrambled eggs, fresh sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, and a dish of mixed berries - very pretty and tasty. Then he'd go to the library and read or correct student papers until time to go to campus. Simple, but it paved the way for a smooth afternoon.
These days, my underlying routine is also rather simple - I still make a pot of coffee first thing in the morning and take time to drink it. I feed the kitties, check my email and voice mail, check my calendar, make a list of "to dos" for the day, then take an hour or two to write while I have fresh ideas.
Once it's a respectable hour, (I get up really early), I make a couple phone calls. And so it goes every day. This routine always gets me off to a good start.
Routine - ho hum you may think. But we usually feel somewhat adrift in grief, usually have lost our anchor big time, so it's easy to just wing it - forget meals, forget appointments, forget to take care of ourselves. So it's actually a rather important topic for each of us and the people around us.
Of course, seeking out new and novel experiences - new places, new restaurants, new friends - is also needed and invigorating. But an underlying structure does help cope with grief - especially when you realize the grief is not going to go away, and that even several years later, it is still with you.
Making some plans for special events for the weeks ahead is also healthy. Most of us need something special to look forward to doing. Could be as simple as a dinner with friends, or a birthday party, or a concert, or upcoming festival.
The point is: Establishing a solid routine and some good daily habits, combined with some special future plans are all important when bereaved.
One often feels quite alone and awkward in grief, with days feeling empty. It is worth making an effort to establish a new routine. You will benefit from doing so - it's a key to feeling like we have a purpose and direction when we get up in the morning and helps us start "a good day."
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.