Grief: Now nothing else fazes me

You may have noticed this. After a huge loss — such as the death of your beloved spouse, partner, parent, or friend — not much else fazes anymore.

A great loss puts “all in perspective.” I personally just don't get that upset by other happenings or problems in comparison. I realized this about a year after my dear husband Baheej died.

I went to an estate sale, very interesting with lots of beautiful, artistic, and international things. The owner was there hovering over the process, though not running the sale himself. He was just chatting with buyers and making a few special “deals.” He had the professional estate sale people running the show. He was just calmly watching and talking with shoppers.

It was a big rambling house with lots of interesting furniture, pottery, and decorations — clearly collected over many years and to particular tastes, including lots of Asian artifacts although he wasn't Asian.

Lots of interesting touches had been added to the house for comfort such as a coffee/tea station right outside the master bedroom. A big dining room table, and china — looked as if they did lots of entertaining.

Eventually I overheard that his partner had died and he was just selling everything and leaving. I guess giving up the house and its pretty contents just didn't matter to him anymore.

In chatting with him, I saw it didn't really bother him to walk away from his house of all those years. It was his way of coping. Well, I didn't sell, I stayed right here in my house. Instead, what happened to me is that I noticed other problems don't bother me deeply or upset me anymore — whether a car repair, furnace breakdown, other unexpected expenses, even health issues, (and I've had several, all overcome so far).

Everything pales compared to my big loss of Baheej.

Some people move, some just stay, but the common theme is that many are not bothered ever again with the same level of worry, grief, and stress as losing their closest loved one.

It's an odd type of personal insulation or protection.

There are times and events, of course, that pose special challenges and sadness. Not as bad as the initial grief, but times when one revisits some of the fears and pain of the initial loss.

In my case my birthday, is in May, is one of those times. It's not that I need a big celebration — certainly not these days! And my friends are always so sweet remembering.

But the issue is that my dear Baheej always made a fuss over my birthday — so it creates intense feelings for me, remembering all his attention, affection, kindness, and the joy he brought to my life and all the people around him.

Some danger areas for these flashback feelings of worry, and heavy stress are:

• Special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.

• Serious health problems.

• Expensive house repairs.

• Unexpected car repairs.

• Vet bills for dear pets

• Needed but unplanned travel expenses.

But the point is — and my wish for you, after a big loss is — that you develop some self protection against all of life's upcoming tribulations, worries, and pressures, and that you are able to let most these problems “roll off your back,” not get you down.

Keep negative events and problems in perspective. Focus on solutions. Hopefully nothing should faze you after your biggest human loss.

Problems can be solved. They have a way of working out.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.