The importance of saying 'I care'

This really happened.

A woman found her marriage of 10 years to be increasingly empty. Though her husband had a decent job, shared in household responsibilities, was good with the kids, was usually pleasant to her, and was even home most evenings and weekends - qualities many women would feel fortunate to have in their spouses - she felt less and less emotional connection.

She was sure he loved her; well, almost sure. Over the years he had seemed to settle into a routine that included little real feeling. The heartfelt "I love you," the cards, the surprise birthday or anniversary gifts - all the little things he used to do to express his love - had fallen by the wayside.

She had tried telling him. She continued to do many of these special things herself, and even finally talked directly to him about her feelings, but all to no avail.

It was their 10th anniversary, though, that brought her into my counseling office. She had dropped more than a few hints that she would like to do something "really special" - maybe even a cruise.

"Can't afford it ... can't get the time off ..." even "what would we do on a cruise?" His responses were less than encouraging. Finally, she dropped the idea.

Until she saw his calendar that was opened to the month of their anniversary. There was a big 'X" drawn through their wedding date, as well as each of the three days before and three days after.

Still, she was almost afraid to hope. And she did not want to spoil any surprise, so she kept her suspicions to herself.

But then there was the envelope from the airline ticket office. It had his name on it, but it did come to the house. And if she was going to get the time off, she'd have to ask fairly soon. She finally asked him that evening.

"Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you. Frank put together a group of guys to go fishing in Colorado. It's great. We got cheap airfare and I even got the time off without any hassle. You've been telling me I needed a break, and you are so busy at work with Christmas coming, I know you'd be happy to see me go."

"But our anniversary ...?"

"Our anniversary ... you're kidding ... you're not ... I'm sorry, we'll do something before I go ..."

I wouldn't take up so much space telling this story, except that it is an example, although an extreme one, of a problem many of our marriages face.

We might say we just get too comfortable. Now, I believe that developing some stability in our marriages, being comfortable with our spouses, even taking them for granted to some degree, is healthy. We need to feel secure.

We don't want to have to worry about whether we are liked or loved. We want our spouses to feel the same. We can't spend our entire marriage as if we are still courting each other.

On the other hand, it is vital to the health of a marriage that we continue to find an element of excitement, of newness, of challenge. And we need to tell each other clearly and constantly how important we are to each other, whether we've been married 12 months or 12 years.

Sometimes this means a romantic card, a surprise candlelight dinner, a special present. Other times we do this by just sharing our thoughts and feelings, and asking our spouse to do the same. And certainly it means remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc ...

We never stop needing such newness, nor such clear and consistent expression of love. Never. Fortunately, it can be as enjoyable and meaningful to give such "gifts" as it is to receive them. We just need to get back in the habit of giving them.

And since we were probably pretty good at it at one time (remember courtship?), it won't be all that hard to get back in the swing of things. Hey, why not start today?

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."