Why we must address conflicts in relationships

"I don't want to talk about it now."

How many times have you been in the middle of a disagreement only to have the other person end the argument, and seemingly win it in the process, by uttering those eight words.

Or what about the times you have suspected something was bothering a friend, a co-worker, or your spouse? You say something innocuous like "is something bothering you" or "are you doing OK?" only to have him or her use "I don't want to talk about it," or something similar to end the discussion before it even got started?

Now, working through confusion, misunderstanding or conflict in our relationships is seldom simple. It takes time, commitment and skill on the part of everyone involved.

It also takes the participation of everyone involved. When people refuse to acknowledge there is conflict, or when they cut short conflict resolution by refusing to continue talking about it, it becomes almost impossible to settle things in any sort of positive way.

Often, "I don't want to talk about it" (or any of its variations) short circuits communication at exactly those times when it is most important. We tend to use such escape clauses when we are feeling emotionally uncomfortable or threatened. Yet, it is just those times at which we are most likely to be able to get to the heart of what the conflict is really about.

When we use such a response because we are emotionally uncomfortable (or afraid we are going to be), we are probably in touch with those feelings that make it so hard to settle whatever issue we are struggling with.

And if we can put those feelings into words (for example, "I get frustrated when we talk about my working late all the time") then we can more easily get to the heart of the matter (which might be "the fact is, I feel stuck in a dead end job and don't know what to do about it").

Sometimes, I'm afraid, our "I don't want to talk about it" enables us to be angry or vindictive or make our point and then cut things off without having to listen to anyone else. We win, or at least, feel like we did, because we got to unload, get even, or get our way.

This is, at best, a short-term win, however. Over the long term, it is a loss for everybody involved since our partners in conflict will sooner or later (and usually sooner) get real tired of our verbal bullying and repay us in kind, or just leave us alone. And that's a good way to end a relationship.

Whether as a way of avoiding, or of winning, in the long run we do neither when we refuse to talk about the issues in our relationships. The conflict (and emotions) we avoid today will surface again tomorrow, or next week, or next year. And they will be more difficult to deal with when they do.

The conflict we win we actually lose if we take into account the damage such a strategy inflicts on our relationships.

Confusion, misunderstanding, and conflict must be dealt with quickly, clearly, and fairly. Though we may need a short "timeout" to collect our thoughts or calm our emotions, we still need to talk about it. Now.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."