Can a parent succeed at work and at home?

It was a chance meeting. We hadn't seen each other for quite a while and had a lot of catching up to do.

He'd changed jobs - again. Third job in six years, in fact. The problem always seemed to be the same: not enough drive, ambition, commitment. "To make it in this business, you come in early, stay late, and take home work on the weekends. You always seem to have other things on your mind."

And he did. Our conversation soon switched to his family. He described in great detail the enjoyment he and his wife were getting out of their three kids. He could go on and on about each of their developmental stages, their activities, their failures and accomplishments. The pleasure he took in being a parent was clear in his tone of voice and the smile on his face.

Once we'd parted, it struck me that I'd had similar conversations with a number of men and women over the last few years. The themes seemed to be the same - a struggle in their job or career, a real sense of joy in their role as mothers and fathers. It started me thinking.

Can a parent succeed at work and at home? Can we "make it" in business and be the sort of father or mother (and husband and wife, for that matter) we need to be?

I must admit, I've got my doubts. Though, as a culture, we hold up both family health and vocational success as primary values, it seems to me our economic system is structured such that it is almost impossible for us to accomplish both.

Think about it. How understanding would your boss be if you refused overtime because you needed to be at a parent-teacher conference? And what if you turned down an out-of-town sales trip so as not to miss taking your child on a campout?

Imagine the response if you actually suggested there was a limit to how many hours you could work because it took too much time away from the family? Or just consider the repeated failures to pass laws that allowed fathers to take time off without pay when a new child was born, or to provide paid maternity leave to either parent.

Now, the bosses, supervisors, employers, corporate exec, legislators, etc. who would look askew at our making our family more of a priority (or even as much of a priority) as our job would probably also unabashedly proclaim their own commitment to family health.

They just don't seem to realize (or want to realize) the cost families pay when we "do business" the way we often do in our country.

So if you are one of those parents who is feeling trapped between your commitment to your job and your commitment to your family, you are not alone. There are a lot of other parents out there who have the same dilemma.

I'd really like to offer you an easy solution to this problem, but I don't have one. I struggle with it myself. All I suggest is we need to be aware of it, and that we have to choose carefully. Ultimately it comes down to realizing we can't have or do everything, and that we must give ourselves to those commitments that are truly most important to us.

If our family is at the heart of what makes our life worth living, then that is where our time needs to be spent. We will probably be less of a success on the job, but that is the price we will have to pay.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."