Tips for dealing with our anxiety

We've all had the experience. For some reason we can't get hold of, we feel out of sorts, nervous, uptight, jittery, at loose ends. Usually we say we're just "anxious."

Sometimes we feel a little anxious. At other times, our anxiety can be so intense that it overwhelms us. We feel like we just can't stand it, like we are coming totally unglued.

A few of us battle such anxiety on an almost daily basis. Almost all of us experience some anxiety, a little or a lot, at some time in our lives.

We each deal with our anxiety a bit differently. Many of us just try to ignore it, believing that by doing so it will just go away. Others try to think it through, searching for some source or cause of our feelings. And, for some, such anxiety defies any attempts at ignoring or rationalizing. It deals with us, we don't deal with it.

Nobody wants to feel anxious. We'd just as soon be cool, calm, collected. We'd like to follow the advice of a pop song of a few years back: "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" We assume that experiencing anxiety, any anxiety at all, is unhealthy.

It is surprising, then, to discover that some mental health experts actually suggest there is such a thing as "good anxiety." Let's talk a bit about what they might mean.

Certainly there is such a thing as "bad anxiety." In fact, most anxiety is unhealthy. Though the source of such unhealthy anxiety is often difficult to identify, it is grounded in any number of beliefs and thoughts that are untrue and self‑destructive.

And, for some of us, such anxiety is intensified by a problem in our body chemistry that acts to magnify our anxiety to the point where we feel totally out of control.

Such unhealthy anxiety is often treated in psychotherapy (and at times a psychotherapeutic medication or drug is prescribed to lessen the intensity of our anxiety or to counteract our errant body chemistry).

In therapy we work to unearth the beliefs and thoughts that underlie our anxious feelings.

For example, our anxiety may have its roots in a fear of change, or of anything new or different, or of not being sure. Or we may be struggling with a fear of failure, or of not being perfect. Sometimes our anxious feelings really have to do with our fear of others' judgment, condemnation or rejection.

Ultimately, you might say anxiety has a lot to do with our sense of worth as a person. Do we believe we are good enough to get along in the worlds of work and relationships? Can we handle the unexpected things life throws our way? When we don't believe in ourselves, just about anything can make us anxious.

Such anxiety is bad because it is based on an untruth, a falsehood, a lie. Even though we struggle with change, or feel unsure, or are imperfect, or fail, or don't meet others' expectations, or are even rejected, we still have basic worth as humans. And most of us do get by. We do OK.

When we come to terms with such unhealthy anxiety by claiming our basic worth as persons, we feel like a heavy load has been lifted from our shoulders. It is like we can breathe again, walk rather than run, enjoy rather than fear life.

But sometimes we still feel anxious. Even if we were so healthy that we could banish from our lives all our destructive, self-worth-denying anxiety, we would still feel anxious at times.

Such anxiety doesn't have to do with untruths, or falsehoods, or lies. It has to do with a some very basic truths that we don't like to think about.

The first truth has to do with what this life is all about. We all need to have a reason to live, a call or vision, something that pulls us forward, gives our life meaning.

This is not something we just find and hold on to. It is something we look for our entire lives, sometimes finding part of it, but always needing to keep searching for more.

This search can make us anxious, especially at those times when we are out of touch with our call or vision, when we struggle to find a reason to go on, to even get up in the morning. But even when we have an idea of where such meaning is for us, we can still feel anxious about how our day-to-day decisions and actions live up to or fit with this idea.

Second, such anxiety has to do with the brief span of years we have to live this life. No amount of self-worth prevents us from dying.

In American culture, especially, we live as if death is not a reality, as if it is a bill that never comes due. But it gets harder and harder to hold on to this fantasy as we get older. Sooner or later we come face to face with the anxiety of knowing we, too, will die.

Actually, this second "anxious truth" has a lot to do with the first. It explains why so many of us search for meaning in some sort of spiritual direction. Various faith traditions suggest that we can be part of a cause, or have a meaning, that is bigger than our own individual existence.

Some even go so far as to say that there is "life after death" - that somehow we don't really stop existing - if we respond to such a call or vision for our lives.

Could we call such truth-based anxiety good? I think so. We need to be reminded that life has meaning, that it is our task to find that meaning for ourselves, and that we have a limited time in which to do so.

I don't particularly enjoy such anxiety, but I do recognize that it directs me to the truth that there is a lot more to life than "Don't Worry, Be Happy." In fact, I have found that the more I seek such meaning, the happier I am.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."