Would a pound of flesh suffice, Tax Man?

On Page 74 of the Form 1040 instructions booklet, in the lower right column, the IRS advises me not to send in just one check if I owe the agency $100 million or more. Rather, I should send in two or more checks. What a relief it was that I needed to use only one check to pay my federal income tax this year!

Maybe next year I'll earn half a billion dollars, and will have to write out two checks. It's reassuring to know that the IRS does not allow any sense of irony or capacity for shame to supersede its obsession with detail.

So I mailed in my five grand, which, on top of my withheld taxes, should pay for 1 percent of just one of the 59 Tomahawk missiles the U.S. recently fired at Syria. Our military response to Assad's butchery was arguably moral and sensible, but, looking at it from my bank account's point of view, it was a terrifying expenditure. The guy who had to mail in two checks to the IRS to cover $100 million or more in owed income tax saw $60 million of his money go up in smoke, along with the Syrian air base.

I, on the other hand, was able to save a blank check for future use.

The IRS asks me to "please consider a method of payment other than check" if my tax liability exceeds a $100 million. How about if I offer my firstborn child, next time?

Or my immortal soul?

If I mail in an arm and a leg, would I subsequently qualify for disability benefits?

Would a pound of flesh, at its present market value, suffice?

Alexander Lee

West Chicago