Marriage takes real work, not assumptions

Some "common sense" assumptions I often hear in my work with couples.

1. "If it isn't broke, don't fix it." Often when a marriage is in trouble, one spouse doesn't know it, or doesn't want to know it. He or she will often protest that nothing is really wrong. The truth is, if one person is unhappy or dissatisfied in a marriage, there is a problem. A marriage is a partnership; both partners need to feel good about it. So even if one of us is satisfied with the status quo, that doesn't ensure our marriage is OK.

2. "What you see is what you get." In other words, "I'm not willing to - or can't - change." Some of us are convinced our marriage should work the way we want it to; our spouse's needs and wants are secondary to our own. Many more of us are simply afraid we cannot do what our husband or wife needs for us to do to build a healthy marriage with them.

3. "Don't rock the boat." Often we assume a stable marriage must be a happy one. Yet, as each of us grows and changes as individuals, so too must our marriages grow and change. What may seem to be stability is frequently stagnation. And a stagnant marriage soon will suffocate our individual growth and change as well.

Similarly, others of us fear rocking the boat because we believe that things will only get worse. Working on our marriage, we assume, is no use. Better to let things be, bad as they are. We will find some way to get by.

4. "Think positive." The problem, we assume, is all attitude. If our husband or wife will just look on the bright side, see the glass as half full rather than half empty, things will be fine. Our marriage isn't really in trouble, he or she is just too negative. Some of us could use a good dose of positive thinking, but often the above platitude more accurately reflects our desire to avoid the work we need to do to get our marriages back on the right track. "Think realistically" might be a better attitude; realistically all our marriages need work now and then.

5. "That's just how marriage is." (Variation No. 1: "If it was good enough for everybody else, it's good enough for us.") We do learn a lot about how marriage is supposed to work by watching our parents' marriage and those of other couples we come in contact with. But things change, people change, and marriage must change, too. What worked in 1970 can't simply be imposed on a couple in 2005; it won't work. And what works for the people next door won't necessarily work for us.

For all the confusion and frustration of the modern marriage, I believe marriage today offers more opportunity for happiness, for satisfaction and for growth than ever before. But in opening our marriages up to such potential, we often do break with the tried and true - and secure - ways of the past. And we will sometimes need to be different from those around us.

Many of us bring other such common sense beliefs to our marriages. As I've tried to point out, the problem is that many of them are not all that true. They just don't help much as we try to build a happy, satisfying, growing relationship.

When it comes right down to it, a healthy marriage, like any contract between two parties, must be negotiated, worked at, evaluated and renegotiated. It isn't easy. But it is worth it.

You know, that's common sense.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."