Boyfriend’s mother causes relationship rift
Q. My boyfriend of over a year and I are going to be graduating with an associate’s in a couple of weeks. Yeah, we’re still not done yet, but halfway through a bachelor’s!
I want to celebrate with both of our families. My boyfriend thinks this is a good idea, but his parents (well, more like his mom) not so much. They plan to exclude me and my family from their plans, even though I’ve told them how much I would like to celebrate this event together. They are inviting other people to their celebration who are not so close to my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn’t want to make his mom unhappy.
This is causing a bit of a rift because I feel like he shouldn’t just do whatever makes his mom happy; he should do what makes him and me happy, especially since this is our graduation. We’ve had issues like this before, where his mom wants something, I want something different, and he won’t tell his mother to suck it up. How can I deal with this?
A. An associate’s tells me you’re somewhere around 20. This graduation is a rite of passage for both parent and child. So “Suck it up, Ma” isn’t the tone you want to take.
I vote with your boyfriend, at least on the graduation. It would have been swell if Mama were a more-the-merrier type, but I can also see not wanting to share this with a girlfriend who history says will be an ex-girlfriend sooner rather than later.
Your best move now is to be gracious.
As for future instances where you and his mom get in each other’s way, yes, the apron strings might be knotted tightly. But I suggest you give each issue an overreach test before asserting girlfriend privilege.
Q. I come from a large family, and three of my brothers now live within 15 minutes of my 76-year-old mother. All are in their 40s and 50s and have children.
Mom, confided to me that two of her daughters-in-law regularly neglect to include her in her grandchildren’s birthday parties and other family events, and she’s hurt by this.
Obviously she could take the matter up with my brothers, but she hasn’t. Should I delicately broach this subject with them and/or their wives?
A. Way to blame the (female dogs)!
I realize your mom is the one making these charges, but it doesn’t sound as if you called her on them.
Before you utter a word, run your mother’s concerns through a fairness filter and recognize that if your mother is being excluded, then her sons are responsible.
Then, run your plans through the meddling filter: To what extent is this your business?
With immediate family, you do have slightly more say. Urge your mom just to say to her boys, “When I heard you held a birthday/family event without me, I felt hurt.”
If she won’t do that, and if you are on good terms with your brothers, then you can intercede ever so slightly by saying to them, “I don’t know if there’s any truth to this, and it’s not my business, but I thought you’d want to know that mom thinks you’re having family events without her.” After all, she might be wrong — and if you were in your brothers’ place, you’d presumably want the chance to clear this up.
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