Have a politically correct holiday season!

Here we are, uncomfortably sandwiched between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, which, according to top officials at PC Police Headquarters, are the two most politically incorrect holidays on the calendar.

One celebrates the birthday of a child born out of wedlock, promotes exorbitant gift giving and contributes to feelings of inferiority by nonbelievers.

The other gives open license to drunkenness, public carousing and the widespread kissing of strangers.

Within both holidays are music and movies that perpetuate insensitivity and are highly offensive to anyone keen on political correctness.

Just consider the anthem of New Years’s Eve, a seemingly harmless song that begins: “Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?”

For anyone concerned with the feelings of others, not only is “Auld Lang Syne” a slap in the face to longtime friendships, but it could cause feelings of resentment by those who forget where they left their car keys and others who fear they are on the brink of dementia.

Then there are the Christmas carols, teeming with anti-government undertones and urging anti-social behavior.

The most blatant example is The Christmas Song, which starts with: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ...”

First of all, there are ordinances against open fires. You can’t just flame one up wherever you want. If everybody started having open fires, imagine all the carbon monoxide detectors that would go off!

Also ... chestnuts. Really? Do you know how many kids have nut allergies? These kinds of songs really need to be looked at by the FDA as conspiracies perpetrated by the National Association of Nutmeat Makers and Salters.

“And folks dressed up like Eskimos.” Oh yeah? Everybody is wearing pants of mottled sealskin and caribou skin coats trimmed with wolverine? Clearly ethnic prejudice.

“And so I’m offering this simple phrase, to kids from one to 92. Merry Christmas ...” Does life end at 92? Are 93-year-olds in a subclass? Don’t centurions deserve holiday wishes? Clearly age discrimination.

Those hurtful lyrics goes on and on, say the PC police. From the anti-animal “one-horse open sleigh” to the disabled-insensitive “Do you hear what I hear?”

The movies are no better. “A Christmas Story” is the best example of a tactless script with an obvious political undercurrent.

It is the fictional story of a young Hammond, Ind., boy in the 1940s who wants nothing more than a gun for Christmas. “An Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!” says Ralphie, clearly pandering to the NRA lobby.

Even the admonition “You’ll shoot your eye out” offered by his mother and teacher cannot put the safety on this political pistol.

(Spoiler alert:) In the end, 9-year-old Ralphie gets his gun.

Along the way though he and other children are subjected to all kinds of bullying and parental abuse that has, thankfully, been well regulated and controlled by today’s social service agencies such as DCFS.

A recurring theme in the film is the repeated use of profanity by Ralphie’s father, all cleverly disguised as double-talk. “In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan,” an adult Ralphie remembers. Such shameful conduct would never be condoned in today’s world!

Of course, when young Ralphie himself utters the F-word, he is punished with a bar of soap in his mouth. “Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap,” Ralphie recalls in the film. “Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor — heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand ... ”

These days, if such treatment were depicted on Facebook, it would result in the arrest of his parents.

The movie also treats bullying with casual disregard. Children circa the 1940s are actually seen solving their own problems with classmates. But the story was set well before the formation of various task forces, committees and coalitions aimed at controlling the nation’s growing bully menace.

The most famous scene in the film, where a boy’s tongue is frozen to a flagpole, would have resulted in numerous arrests had it not occurred 60 years ago.

Even though the movie shows police and fire units disengaging the youngster’s tongue from the pole and leaving the scene, if it happened in 2011 real life there would be juvenile battery charges, the teacher’s head would be on a platter and the school board would convene an emergency meeting to fire the principal. Of course all of it would play out in the full view of a truly stunned nation.

Next year, let’s resolve to be more mindful of these improprieties.

Ÿ Chuck Goudie, whose column appears each Monday, is the chief investigative reporter at ABC 7 News in Chicago. The views in this column are his own and not those of WLS-TV. He can be reached by email at and followed at and

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