Sometimes right is right; other times not so much

My then-8-year-old son was walking out the door with one sock on.

“Son,” I said, in my calmest parental voice, “you’re only wearing one sock.”

“I know, Dad, I lost the other one,” he replied.

“Then why don’t you just not wear any socks?”

“Dad, I don’t want to look like a dork!”

After some investigation, I discovered that, among 8 -year-olds in our neighborhood, wearing sneakers without socks definitely was not cool. As such, my son not-very-patiently explained, wearing one sock rather than none was at least “half cool.”

In all honesty, there is a rather attractive logic to this line of thought. If you can’t be right, at least be half-right.

The real world, however, is seldom that simple. What’s “logical” or “right” can get pretty slippery. Half-right often turns out to be wholly wrong. Or what would seem to be the right answer in one situation has totally unexpected — and unwanted — consequences in another.

Wearing one sock actually is not better than wearing no socks. One of the most difficult tasks we face as parents is helping our children come to terms with how what seems to be so logical is, in fact, quite illogical. Kids want things easy to see, easy to understand, easy to decide. (Don’t we all?)

This is especially true when it comes to values. The attractiveness of the biblical Ten Commandments, for example, is that at first glance they seem so easy to apply to our lives. Don’t steal. That’s about as simple as it gets.

But remember the one about the Jewish pharmacist in Nazi Germany who is told not to give government-provided, lifesaving medicine to his Jewish customers. The medicine is owned by the state. If he offers it to German Jews he is, in fact, stealing it. What is the right thing for him to do?

Or how about don’t kill? Is that “don’t kill ever,” or “don’t kill unless someone is threatening to kill you or somebody else,” or “don’t kill unless someone is already a killer,” or what?

At least we all can agree we should never lie. But what if your best friend is really down in the dumps, has had an awful day and really looks like it, then asks right before you go out for the evening: “How do I look?” Sure, you’re going to tell him or her the truth.

These scenarios are difficult enough for adults, let alone for children. Yet they are faced with their own versions of these dilemmas on a daily basis.

Should they take the toy left unattended on the table, even though it’s not theirs? Should they hit back when somebody hits them? Should they lie to cover for a misbehaving friend?

Our children’s ability to make decisions, especially moral decisions, grows slowly as they grow. As parents, we need to be aware of this. Our 5-year-olds will see the world in self-centered, black-and-white terms and need to be presented moral guidance in clear, uncomplicated and direct lessons.

Our 10-year-olds will struggle with issues of fairness and are concerned about everyone being treated the same. We need to help them understand how to figure out what fair really means.

Our 15-year-olds will be faced with a host of quasi-adult decisions — career path, sexual expression, drug and alcohol use, family vs. peer group values — and will begin to struggle with just how difficult making right decisions actually is. They will need from us a clear statement of our values, openness about our own moral struggles and patience with them as they learn to decide for themselves.

Helping our children decide whether or not to wear socks is easy compared to helping them decide what is right and wrong. There are, fortunately, a number of books and manuals available for parents in how to help children learn to make moral decisions. Check out your local library or book store.

Many churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques have developed programs in moral or values education. They may be important resources for you as well.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts’ book “Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.