Potts: Reading between the lines is necessary in marriages

I like a good mystery. I enjoy the challenge of reading between the lines and attempting to discover the author's hidden clues and meanings.

I even like mystery in marriage. I like not always knowing what my wife is thinking or planning. I look forward to the surprises we “spring” on each other, and I enjoy trying to read between the lines when we keep such secrets.

Actually, in most marriages we make a practice of reading between the lines — of assuming we know what our spouse is thinking or meaning — a good part of the time.

We get to know our husband or wife so well that we often can predict pretty accurately what they are trying to say, even when they give us only a clue.

We even develop a marital shorthand. Certain words, phrases or expressions come to symbolize whole conversations. Both spouses often assume such instant, between-the-lines communication.

How many times have we said, or thought: “She knows what I mean, I've said it a thousand times,” or “Of course he understands me; we've been married for 20 years.”

Though such an assumption about marital communication is often accurate, sometimes it is also very dangerous. For example, we can neglect to say the things that need to be said over and over again.

Sentiments like “I love you,” “thank you” or “I'm sorry” should never be assumed. We always need to hear and say such words.

Similarly, because we are all constantly growing and changing, the assumptions we have about our spouse may not be completely accurate.

We may assume she loves staying home with the children and not really listen to her as she starts to think about additional things she might like to do with her life.

Or we fail to read in our husband's face the loss of that old, unshakable self-confidence that he has suffered with the recent changes at his job.

It is harder to check out with each other what we really mean. We have to develop our communication skills — both talking and listening — and invest some time and energy using them. We also have to take the risk of saying and hearing some difficult, sometimes painful things.

Life and marriage are not easy, and it is the not-so-easy parts we most often need to talk about. Reading between the lines is part of all marriages. What we need to be aware of are the times, perhaps many times, when we need to talk between the lines.