Suicide survivor spreads message of hope

On a cold December night in 2009, David Kane walked out onto the porch of his Arlington Heights home and had a conversation with God.

He'd seen his business go under, lost the home where he and his wife had raised their three children, and was in financial ruin.

To pay the rent, he had to pawn his wife's jewelry and force his son to drop out of school for a semester so he could use his college fund money. Unable to afford his rheumatoid arthritis medication, he endured constant physical pain and rarely slept. Several loved ones died in a short time span, including two by suicide.

But Kane was always “the strong one,” whom other people came to for help, so he hid his deepening depression from his family.

“That night, on the porch, I just said to God, I said, ‘Uncle. I can't handle it anymore. Give me hope,'” he said.

Nothing happened, so Kane decided to act on the plan he'd worked on for weeks: ingesting a poisonous mix of ingredients.

He survived, but many do not. The number of suicides in the suburban Chicago area reached record or near-record high levels in 2010, and there were several high-profile suicides in the news — including Chicago Bear Dave Duerson, Metra chief Phil Pagano and Springfield Mayor Tim Davlin.

DuPage County had 95 suicides last year, compared with just 68 in 2009. McHenry County had 37, compared to 17 just two years earlier.

And that doesn't include all of the attempted suicides that took place, including Kane's.

Before his suicide attempt, Kane remembers looking in the mirror and seeing no one looking back at him.

“I saw hopelessness,” he said. “It's like someone put you in a cellar in the corner, in the dark, chained you up, and there was no chance of anyone ever finding you.”

While his wife was at work — she's a nurse on the midnight shift — Kane, then 51, took his poisonous concoction, laid down on the bed with his hands folded as if he was lying in a coffin, and waited for death to come.

When his wife found him, he was unresponsive but alive. He remained in a coma for five days, with a swelled brain and nonfunctioning kidneys. His doctors were doubtful he'd survive, he said.

When the toxicology reports proved he had attempted suicide, his family was stunned.

“It was humiliating to admit to my family,” Kane said. “I'd disappointed so many people.”

Since then, Kane says he's made progress in his recovery, although it's been a slow and difficult process. He says strong relationships with his family and with God are what keep him going.

In the past year, he's learned some important lessons, which he hopes to share with others who struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. The main lesson is the title of his new book, “Hang in There. There is Hope.” ($19.95, norskmaninc.com). The book comes with a rubber bracelet and a CD of songs by Steven Curtis Chapman.

“Anybody, given the right circumstances, can be in a depressed state. But you can never let yourself hit the darkness. Because when you're by yourself in that darkness, bad things can happen,” he said.

“There's hope for everybody. It might take time, but there's hope. Find that hope. Wait for that hope, and it will arrive.”

Kane said he now believes God was talking to him that night on the porch — he just didn't hear it.

“The real reason I'm alive is God gave me my life back. I shouldn't have made it. But now it's dawned on me, there's a purpose for my life,” he said. “When I woke up in rehab, I realized He'd answered my prayer. He gave me my life.”

Another lesson he learned was the importance of allowing others to help you. For example, he never let his wife know how deeply troubled he was because he didn't want to burden her and feared she might not be able to handle it. In hindsight, that was a mistake, he said.

“She's the strongest person I know,” he said. “Communication is everything. Once you stop communicating with your family and friends, that's a serious place you're heading. If you really love your family, get out of the darkness and get away from it.”

Psychologist Roger Funk, who has treated Kane, says depression and suicide go hand in hand. While 90 percent of people give clues that they're contemplating suicide, 10 percent don't, Funk said.

“Oftentimes, the people who don't give signs are high achievers,” he said. “They just keep trying harder to cover it up. If someone's worth is based on their performance, it creates more of this problem.”

People don't like feeling helpless, so they take control by turning on themselves, Funk said.

Kane says he and his wife are now living in a small apartment, but are happier than they've ever been. While he still carries a lot of guilt and shame over what he put his family through, he's feeling stronger every day. He always wears a rubber band around his wrist that says, “Hang in There. There is Hope.”

“Still, today, living life is hard for me. But fortunately, I've got good people around me,” he said. “There is always hope. I am here to tell you. I'm living proof of this.”