Favre's retiring? Oh, really?

"Will he or won't he?" evolved into "Has he or hasn't he" Tuesday morning, when reports circulated that Brett Favre informed the Vikings he is retiring.

Hardly anybody could have less credibility than Favre does these days, except maybe a politician who says he won't raise taxes, a kid who says the hand in the cookie jar isn't his, or a sports writer who predicts the Bears will win the Super Bowl.

Skepticism over Favre's latest alleged proclamation was nearly unanimous, especially after a battery of CIA, FBI, ESPN and NFL operatives decoded his series of texts to read:

"Just wanted to let all of you be the first to know that I'm not going to play football ever again today, at least not until this afternoon. I don't plan to play tomorrow, either. There is a good chance I'll still be retired this weekend.

"Certainly my decision will draw doubts, but I want to assure you that the odds are no better than 50-50 that I'll ever wear a football uniform again.

"In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Vikings quarterbacks Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels just in case this retirement announcement becomes final and official."

OK, maybe that translation is bogus. Still, you get the idea. Favre has become so unbelievable, it's remarkable that when he called a play in the huddle last season that his teammates didn't pause to ask whether he really meant it.

Seriously, if Favre declares on his tombstone decades from now, "My football career finally is over," people will assume he'll report to some NFL training camp that summer anyway.

Favre squandered his credibility on the retirement subject long ago, perhaps even more so than Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan did late in their careers.

So it wasn't surprising that when ESPN reported Favre's intentions, which were first written in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, they were referred to as an "apparent retirement." When the same news is reported 10 years from now, it likely still will be referred to as an "apparent retirement."

Folks, Brett Favre has become a slasher movie in which you never know whether he's gone for good or about to pop back up.

Silly me, I believed Favre when he retired from the Packers, then when he retired from the Jets, plus all the other times before, in between and after that he said he was done.

Fool me once, Mr. Favre, shame on you; fool me a dozen or so times, shame on ESPN for reporting it.

My response this time is, "If you must retire, be retired; if not, retire from announcing retirements." Of course, suggesting that to Brett Favre is like trying to reason with a gnat that's bugging you.

Favre's dramatics are reminiscent of the comedian's shtick where he's trying to even out his sideburns in front of a mirror. He goes back and forth from one to the other.

The bit works only if he knows when it isn't funny anymore.

Favre evolved from amusing to aggravating several snips of the sideburns ago. It reached the point where I dislike him so much that I hope he returns to the Vikings so the Packers can beat him in the NFC championship game.

Who knows? It still might happen - this season or a decade of seasons from now.

mimrem@dailyherald.com