Kids' moodiness may have nothing to do with you
Perhaps it's been one of those "special" days with your kids.
You've done a pretty good job as a parent: given them time and attention, kept your cool, and even managed a trip to the park. Now, as the day is winding down, you're looking for an easy bed time and an enjoyable evening.
But it doesn't happen that way. Your interactions disintegrate into one argument after the other over the most routine requests - clean up the family room, take a bath, brush your teeth. Bed time takes twice as long as usual. And you can't even get a goodnight hug and kiss. What went wrong? It just doesn't make any sense.
Or maybe it starts first thing in the morning. All you did was offer a hug, say "Hi!" and "can I get you some breakfast before you catch the bus?" You would think you had committed the "unpardonable parental sin" or something.
After school things continue to disintegrate. Finally, as you're heading for bed, you suggest in your best parenting style that, whatever your child is upset about, it is important to remember that you still love him. You get a downcast look and a shrug of the shoulders in return.
If you have been a parent, the above is all too familiar. It happens to all of us.
It's one thing when we know what we have done to contribute to a problem with our children. When we blow it as parents - when we're impatient, or irritable, or distracted, make unreasonable demands, come down too hard - it is understandable that our children respond negatively. And in retrospect we can usually figure out how things got out of hand and what we could do different next time.
But there are also those days when we really are doing a good job of parenting and things still go from bad to worse. Those are the times we often find ourselves asking, "Is there something wrong with me?" or even "Is this really worth it?"
Though sometimes we actually may be missing something in our interactions with our children, sometimes the problem is simply that we are expecting too much. There is not always a direct correlation between our parenting and how well our day goes with our kids.
Our children's moods, attitudes, and responses to us are affected by myriad factors - some of which have to do with their own growth and development, others of which have to do with their environment.
Maybe they have a cold, or are constipated, or have just discovered a new batch of acne. Perhaps they are frustrated in their attempts at mastering walking, or sad because Dumbo has been separated from his mother, or upset about the grade they just got on an exam.
On the other hand, learning a new concept like "left and right," or figuring out the meaning of life, can also impact on our children's interaction with us.
Often then, it doesn't matter how good a job we are doing, factors such as these will seemingly sabotage our parenting. And that's why it is a good idea to keep in mind that we can only do so much, and should only expect so much.
With that in mind, there are a number of skills that are important for parents to have. For example, we want to be consistent even when our children aren't responding as quickly as they ought to.
We need to be patient when our children test our limits for no seeming reason. We have to be able to pat ourselves on the back and even give ourselves a hug and a kiss now and then. And we want to keep reminding ourselves that the reward for good parenting does not always come immediately, or when we need it.
As mature parents, we didn't have children to receive from them; we had children to give of ourselves to them. More often than not we'll find our most meaningful reward in the satisfaction we find in this giving.
• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.