Spouses need to share 'marital blueprints'

Once upon a time, there were two builders. Each had imagined the "perfect" home. In fact, both had drawn in their minds elaborate blueprints of just what this dream house would look like.

Recognizing that both would benefit from sharing the work and expense, the builders decided to join forces and build such a home together. Selecting a likely site, each set to work to make their dream a reality.

It was not long, however, before conflict reared its ugly head. The first builder had installed the plumbing for the kitchen in the space the second had reserved for the dining room. And they soon discovered that the first builder's master bedroom was intended for the same space in which the second builder had begun the garage.

Angrily, they confronted each other. Grabbing paper and pencil, each drew out his plans. Much to their surprise, they discovered that their ideas of the "perfect" home were radically different. Unable to understand how this could be ("certainly there could be only one perfect home"), and unwilling to compromise, they soon parted in frustration, disappointment and hurt.

Rather a silly story, isn't it? I mean, who'd try to do something as complicated as building a home together without checking the plans?

We would, oddly enough. A vast majority of husbands and wives go into marriage convinced they both agree on exactly what sort of relationship they are building. Yet they never bothered to sit down together and work out exactly what such a marriage will look like.

For example, who really does make decisions? How is love shown? How many (if any) children will there be? How much time together is enough? What do we do with anger? What makes life worth living? Who changes the cat litter (not an earth shattering question, but important)?

You can see the potential for trouble here. There aren't even "right" answers to most of these questions. We all come at them from our own, and usually different, perspectives.

No wonder husbands and wives get frustrated, disappointed and hurt: When we don't take the time to talk about such questions, it's like trying to build a house together without sharing the blueprints.

If we're going to have a successful marriage, then we've got to talk about it. And not just at the beginning. Things change, and so do our ideas of what marriage is all about. We need to begin sharing our needs, expectations, hopes and dreams before we ever get married, and continue the dialogue for the duration of our relationship.

There are a number of ways to do this. In some relationships it just seems to happen whenever it needs to. Wife and husband redraw their "marital blueprint" spontaneously in their day-to-day dialogue.

Most of us, though, will need to be a bit more intentional. I suggest we set aside regular weekly time to check in with each other. And as part of this routine, we need to ask every so often just how we really are doing in building our marital relationship.

Such programs as Marriage Enrichment or Couples Communication Workshops have helped many couples learn how to do such sharing. And if it becomes particularly difficult, we may want to do some shortterm marital counseling to help us through the rough spots.

Building - whether it's a home or a marriage - is hard work. Let's share our marital blueprints regularly; at least then we can work together.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.