Parenting is painful, but worth the effort

It's probably not something our parents talked to us about. It never gets much play on TV or in the movies, and when it does, things still always work out for the best.

The fact is, though, that all of us who take the risk of becoming parents are inevitably going to be hurt. Parenting is painful. It comes with the territory.

There are three ways that we parents will find ourselves hurt as our children grow from infancy to adulthood. The first I call "sympathetic pain."

We hurt sympathetically as we see our children going through the same ups and downs, the same joys and sorrows, the same successes and failures as we did ourselves.

When our 3-year-old is left out of the neighborhood kid's game, when our 13-year-old flunks her math test, when our 18-year-old is dropped by his girlfriend, and when our 32-year-old gets fired, we hurt too. We remember similar pain in our lives and sympathize with our children's own pain. Their tears are our tears.

A second sort of pain is called "intrapersonal pain." This is the hurt we carry around inside as we recognize our own mistakes, shortcomings and limits as parents. With hindsight we become aware of how we have let our children down in the past - the times we were too busy, too angry or perhaps too selfish.

We see our present shortcomings - our inability now to always be the parents our children need. And we come face-to-face with our future limits - the extra time we'll never have, the college tuition we won't be able to pay, the security we can't guarantee.

A third sort of pain is "interpersonal pain." It may be the hardest on parents. Our 2-year-old intentionally hits us. Our 6-year-old says she'd rather play with friends than be with us. Our 25-year-old asks us not to interfere in her marriage.

Such pain is a part of all relationships between two intimate and yet fallible people. Some of it is intentional - our children sometimes do mean to hurt us. But most of it isn't. It's just a matter of not understanding each other well enough.

Because our children are "our" children, they have a special power to hurt us. We have invested so much of our love and sense of worth in our kids that the pain between us takes on a special significance. It hits us where it hurts the most.

I would really like to be able, in 25 words or less, to give you a quick and easy remedy for such pain. I can't.

I can offer you some thoughts I've had as I struggle with my own role as a parent. I hope that they will help.

First, there is a variation on sympathy called empathy. Sympathy is feeling pain with another. Empathy is understanding and accepting another's pain. As parents we need to work on being more empathetic.

Our children's tears will probably always be, in part, ours as well. Sometimes, though, we need to step back a bit and recognize that such pain is a part of life. We can offer our children the comfort and support they need without necessarily feeling the full depth of their hurt. That's empathy.

Dealing with interpersonal pain involves yet another change in our view of things. We need to recognize and accept our inevitable failures as parents. Then we need to forgive ourselves for them. Part of such self-forgiveness also involves a commitment to working toward change - to doing all we can to become better parents now and in the future.

As I mentioned, interpersonal pain is especially hard to handle. The best we can do is to forgive our children for their part in our pain, accept that we are part of the problem (and probably their pain) as well, and risk trying to work things out. In really difficult situations, we may need to get some professional help.

Parenting hurts. It always will. We can work to make it less painful, but we will never totally eliminate the pain.

Ultimately, our hope as mothers and fathers is that the joy in parenting will, in retrospect, far outweigh the sorrow. The cry of each newborn child bears witness to this undying hope.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," is available through book retailers.