Philip Pagano suicide note: 'I love Metra'
Feeling persecuted for what he called his "one mistake," former Metra Executive Director Phil Pagano took his life in hopes of ending "the madness" surrounding a misconduct investigation.
"I love Metra. I gave it my heart and soul," Pagano wrote in a letter to Metra officials released Tuesday by the McHenry County Sheriff's Office.
The sheriff's report details the final 24 hours of Pagano's life, showing a man fearful of criminal prosecution and jail, yet convinced his unauthorized taking of $475,000 in vacation pay over several years and forging his boss' signature meant little compared to his years of dedication.
In the letter, he begged the Metra board not to penalize his family by forfeiting his retirement benefits, saying, "It is not for me it is for them."
"With the exception of this one mistake, I have always done things the honest and right way."
"The whole situation is tragic," Metra spokeswoman Judy Pardonnet said in the agency's only comment on the new information.
Pagano, 60, died May 7 when he stood in front of a Metra train near his Crystal Lake home. Moments before his death, he phoned longtime friend Al Jourdan, a Regional Transportation Authority director, and told him where his car was. Jourdan told investigators he heard a train in the background, then Pagano hung up.
Jourdan and Pagano spent several hours together late May 6 into early May 7. Jourdan told investigators he went to Pagano's home after his friend called upset about the probe. Pagano insisted he never did anything at the agency that wasn't "past practice," Jourdan said.
Jourdan left Pagano about 2:15 a.m. May 7, believing he had calmed down and was stable, reports say.
About 9:30 p.m. May 6, Pagano spoke by phone with his wife. Barbara Pagano would later tell police her husband was depressed and "fearful of going to jail."
Board members were scheduled to meet the morning of Pagano's death to decide his future with the agency.
While credited with growing ridership and reinvigorating Metra, Pagano also was described as being in total control of the agency, said James Sotos, the attorney the agency hired to look into misconduct.
Contrary to Metra policy, Pagano began obtaining payouts for unused vacation days in 1990s. He ramped up his efforts in 2007, when he received advances on vacation days at the start of each year.
Pagano also forged board Chairman Carole Doris' signature on documents authorizing the advances, Sotos found.
It's still a mystery why Pagano needed the extra money. He was paid $269,000 annually and this year became eligible for a generous $1 million benefit comprised of an executive incentive bonus program and a life insurance plan. Yet, Pagano borrowed from both funds and owed Metra $127,000 at his death.
"That's the question everybody's asking," McHenry County Sheriff Keith Nygren said. "None of the information we got suggested an answer to that. That's probably going to be an investigation for the feds."
Pagano also had two retirement plans, including a 401(k) to which Metra contributed. Metra officials are still assessing Pagano's benefits.
Authorities including the U.S. attorney were investigating the matter leading Pagano to write in his final note, "All this stuff dealing with the federal inquiry is all wrong. I have always done my job honestly and with the highest level of integrity."
The Metra board is scheduled to meet today to discuss additional financial oversight.
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<h2>Related documents</h2>
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<li><a href="/pdf/Sheriff RecPDF_0525111518_001.pdf">Pagano police report</a></li>
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