Men need to work at long-term relationships, too

Well, guys, the party is over. Demographic studies show that the disparity between the numbers of men and women in this nation has reversed itself.

Rather than there being about 100 women for every 95 men, the balance has shifted to about 100 women for every 108 men.

According to some sociologists, this is supposed to lead to a renewal of men's interest in long-term relationships, primarily for competitive reasons. If men can "tie a woman down" through marriage, he won't have to constantly compete for the limited supply of women available.

This sounds a lot like caveman psychology. And it certainly is not very flattering to men. It implies that men are not naturally all that interested in long-term relationships and will work at one only if forced to.

I tend to be a little more optimistic (I prefer to think of it as realistic) about men's need for and commitment to relationships. I think we all have a need to be involved in long-term intimate relationships, the male/female variety being one of the most interesting and rewarding. Men need this just as much as women.

Unfortunately, men's training and experience in building and sustaining such relationships is a bit lacking. Though many of us are working at learning how to be better long-term partners, (and some of us doing pretty well), it is still a struggle at times.

So with that in mind, and considering the shift in demographics, I'd like to share a few of the pointers that I suggest as a marriage counselor to the men who come to me to consult about their relationships.

1. Forget "macho." No truly adult, mature woman is going to be all that impressed by the size of our muscles, the tattoos we display, how much we can drink or our ability to play six games of softball in one afternoon. That doesn't mean we have to give up all the things we enjoy as men. It does mean that we have to consider how they affect our relationship with women.

2. Recognize that a long-term intimate relationship is something we all need, whether we recognize it or not. That need is built into us. It is up to us to meet that need in as healthy a way as possible.

3. Give it time. Intimacy develops slowly. Rushing into a relationship out of anxiety, fear, selfdoubt (the usual reasons) often does more to hurt than to help.

4. Understand that intimacy is multifaceted. Too often we think of it as being primarily sexual. It isn't. Intimacy involves our physical (touching), emotional (feelings), cognitive (ideas), social (our friends and families), vocational (work), recreational (play), and spiritual (faith) selves. A healthy relationship involves some degree of growing intimacy in all of these areas.

5. Accept distance as a necessary part of closeness. Our wives, women friends, etc. need space for their own lives just as much as we do.

6. Accept that men and women are equal. Women are our partners in relationship. Not "junior partners," either. A healthy, long term, intimate male/female relationship is one between equals.

7. Communicate. Talk about what you feel, think, want, need, hope and even fear. Trust that she will listen and accept. Be willing to say things she may not want to hear rather than pulling back or plowing ahead, out of fear of conflict. And ask her to share herself with you. When she does so, don't try to critique or change her, but listen and accept what you hear.

8. Persevere. It is not easy. There will be times when you have to literally will your relationship to work.

9. And sometimes part of that willing means also asking for help from a professional consultant on marriages. You know, at least half (probably more) of marriage therapists are men. Think about that. Marriage therapy may not be as worthless as some men tend to think.

All that is just for starters. And a lot of men are already hard at work doing all this work I'm suggesting.

Being successful in a male/female relationship ultimately has little to do with the "law of supply and demand," i.e. with how many men and women there are in the population. It has to do with work and the difficulty and risk involved in trying to do anything really important.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," will be available this spring.