Sometimes the answer is to just hold on

It's a question I often hear from parents: "Now what?"

They have used every trick in the parenting book, consulted half the "how to" resources in the self-help section of their local book store, even listened to the TV guru of the moment, all to no avail.

Whatever problems their children are struggling with seem impervious to their best parenting efforts.

There are certainly times I can come up with a new perspective on things, or a new strategy they might try. However, there are also a good many times when my best advice is simply to "hold on."

A lot of good parenting, I'm convinced, involves firm, consistent and patient waiting. By this I mean that we set age-appropriate expectations and limits for our children, provide them with a stable and safe environment, give them plenty of love, affirmation and attention, and then wait to see what happens.

That may sound simple, but, of course, it's not. And even when we get the first part right, it's the waiting part that often is the hardest.

You see, all children grow and develop at their own pace. I'm not just talking about physical growth and development. Kids grow and develop mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually as well. Differences in physical growth and development are usually the most obvious (just drop in on a seventh-grade classroom), but differences in these other areas can be just as pronounced.

Waiting, then, is sometimes the only thing we can do when we've done the basics I mentioned above. Our kids need to grow up a bit, and they are going to do so in their own sweet time.

Of course, sometimes kids do get stuck. Any significant change or trauma in children's lives can delay their normal growth and development. This would include things like the loss of a parent, changing schools, divorce, an accident or illness, or any of the other things that can go wrong in children's lives.

Getting kids unstuck can involve a bit of fancy footwork on the part of parents, which is what leads many of us to get some help. But even when we read the right book, listen to the right expert, work with the right family therapist, and do the right thing, we still can find ourselves with not much else left to do but hold and see how things work out.

I've spent more than a few sleepless nights wondering whether what I'm doing as a parent is what my kids need. And, I confess, also wishing they'd hurry up and grow up and grow out of whatever problem it is they are struggling through. It doesn't seem to me, though, that either my anxiety or my impatience has made all that much difference.

So I hold on and hope (and pray) for the best. That doesn't mean I give up trying to be the best parent I can, it just means I give up trying to make my kids' lives come out exactly the way I want them to when I want them to.

It's sure not easy being a parent.

• The Rev. Ken Potts' new book, "Mix, Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children," will be available this spring.