Geneva group helping ease suicide grief

A teenage girl breaks up with her boyfriend and cannot cope with the pain and loss.

A young adult, who is bipolar and doesn't take his medication, can no longer deal with the lows of life.

A senior mourning the loss of his wife of 65 years becomes so depressed that he begins stockpiling prescriptions.

All are contemplating suicide. Although hypothetical, the scenarios could be real.

The pain of suicide trickles down to all those who are left behind: mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, and co-workers who must struggle with the question of "why?" every day of their lives.

Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice understands that dealing with suicide is traumatic and that those who are grieving need help understanding what has happened, why it has happened and what the impact has been on their lives. In response, the community-based support agency has created a support group called Light Finders, to help those who are struggling with a loss to suicide.

Leading the program is Carol Anne Richeson, a licensed professional counselor, who has been with Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice for six years.

"When I developed the program a year and a half ago, I knew that the most prominent question for the group would be 'why,'" Richeson said. "What I didn't realize at that time was how intense the suffering would be in not knowing."

The number one cause for suicide is depression and often family members don't even realize someone is depressed.

"What people don't often realize is that depression is a disease," said Richeson. "The biggest difference is that there isn't a stigma attached to deaths from disease such as cancer. There often is a stigma attached to a death from suicide."

With changes in society and the down turn in the economy, suicide rates are on the rise. According to suicide.org, every 40 seconds someone in the world commits suicide. Families are left to grieve. Groups like Light Finders help them through that grief.

"We chose the name Light Finders to help them find the light through the fog of grief," Richeson said. "Our symbol is a lighthouse and we give each member of the group a small lighthouse pin to keep as a connection to the group."

Light Finders meets in a closed session, meaning that once the group starts, new members are not allowed to attend. Each member must sign a contract vowing to confidentiality, to not judge, to make a decision to listen, to provide an equal amount of time for one another, to not interrupt, to attend and be on time, and to notify someone when they have to miss a meeting.

"The group definitely bonds and cares about one another," Richeson said. "So when one person doesn't come the other members become concerned."

Over the course of time, the members begin to feel comfortable with each other. Those who didn't want to talk at the start begin to share. They learn to trust one another, and trust is imperative to the success of the program.

"It is a beautiful thing to watch people become comfortable with one another, to trust enough to share the story of the most difficult time of their life," Richeson said.

With suicide, people often don't know what to say. They struggle with words of sympathy and often choose to say nothing. That wasn't the case for Donna McGrath. She was surrounded by friends.

However, when she discovered her 25-year-old son had taken his life, she couldn't cope even with support.

"I was in the worst pain of my life, and I couldn't even cry," she said. "My husband cried millions of tears but I couldn't. We had many friends who offered comfort and support but I had a hard time. I couldn't even talk on the phone because I couldn't understand the words unless I saw someone's lips moving."

People react in different ways and for McGrath, the pain was all-consuming.

"I felt like I had been dropped in another world," she added. "I couldn't believe it was real."

A social worker, she knew the importance of counseling and went through both individual and family counseling.

"I threw myself into my work," she said. "That actually helped me cope. At the time, I couldn't even balance my checkbook so having the opportunity to help someone through my work was good for me."

When she joined Light Finders she was a bit reserved in the beginning, listening rather than sharing.

"These people were ordinary people dealing with the same questions that I had," she said. "'Why didn't I see the signs?' 'What could I have done to prevent it from happening?'"

McGrath felt relieved that no one was pressured to talk and many didn't in the beginning.

"I needed to feel a sense of trust with the group and I did," she added. "I didn't discover why it happened, but I did find comfort in not knowing."

There are a lot of issues that the Light Finders deal with, from sadness to anger to loss to acceptance. Each member comes to grips with the suicide in his own way and on her own time.

"After going to Light Finders, I feel that I am on a different path," said McGrath. "I know that what was is no longer."

Light Finders also tries to get the members to share the good memories of those whom they have lost, to bring pictures and talk about happier times.

"Regardless of how someone dies, we miss them, and it is important to be able to talk about them," said Richeson.

That was very important to Lisa Czervanka, who was only 16 when her mother committed suicide. Her brother was 14 and her younger sister was 4.

"If you had known my mom, you never would have expected her to take her own life," Czervanka said. "She was the happiest, most vivacious, friendliest person you would ever meet.

As many would do in times of tragedy, the family chose to seek counsel from the parish priest.

"He advised that we tell people she died of a brain aneurysm," she said. "So on top of the loss of my mother we were keeping a secret from others."

Her father, who worked tirelessly to help his family, was instrumental in getting everyone to family counseling. Lisa found her own refuge.

"I was a Type A super achiever so I just threw myself into my class work, but you would be amazed how many times over the years people would ask me about my mom," she said. "I would just respond that 'she died,' knowing full well the secret my family was keeping."

Czervanka worked as a bereavement volunteer at Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice. It was there that she began talking with Carol Ann Richeson about her own experience.

"I knew it wasn't healthy in the way my family dealt with my mother's death, and I knew I needed to go to this support group," said Czervanka. "I am definitely a talker and I just didn't want to talk in the beginning. The group made me realize that it wasn't about me. It was about finding closure for that 16-year-old girl."

To this day, Lisa Czervanka carries her lighthouse pin in her purse and takes it out every once in a while just to take a peek at it. She also found photos of her mom and shared them with the group.

"My mom went from being 'my mom who was sick' to just being my mom again," she said. "If I hadn't done this group, I wouldn't have gotten my mom back. I'm so grateful."

At the end of each group meeting, candles are lit, poetry is read, and music is played. It is a quiet time to think about the loss.

"A candle symbolizes continuity, that life goes on," added Richeson.

For those who have lost a loved one to suicide, the path through grief can be a difficult one. As hard as it is, it isn't a path that needs to be traveled alone.

Light FindersWhat: A support group for survivors grieving the loss of a loved one to suicideWhen: A group is forming now that will meet 6:30 to 8 p.m. Mondays, March 8 - April 12Where: Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice, 200 Whitfield Drive, GenevaOther services: The hospice offers a variety of support groups in Elgin and Geneva for people grieving the loss of a child, parent, life partner, relative or friend, as well as individual bereavement support.Call: (630) 232-2233, for registration or informationOn the web: fvvh.org