Silly me, the Bears really do need my help

The Bears never should have let it come to this.

Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo should have hired offensive and defensive coordinators by now.

They shouldn't have put me in the position of having to choose between the jobs. I didn't want either of them. I didn't want to actually work for a living instead of being a newspaperman.

More than anything, I didn't want to have to write the cheap column saying I volunteer to become a Bears' coach.

It wouldn't be fair to make journalists remember how to spell my odd last name. Heck, I get it wrong half the time.

Things changed, however, with reports that Bears' potential hot-wire hire, Rob Chudzinzki, won't be coming to work in Halas Hall.

There he was, a guy most of us never heard of a week ago. A week later he isn't good enough for the Bears or they aren't good enough for him.

So, sad to say, I remain the only perfect fit for the Bears: They're desperate and as usual I'm a desperate measure.

It's time for me to relent, take one for the club and become a Bears' coordinator.

Salary negotiations will go as they normally do between the Bears and assistant coaches.

They: "What's your asking price?"

Me: "I demand 'Avatar' box-office money."

They: "How about compromising at minimum wage?"

Me: "Good enough."

The next question is deciding whether to become coordinator of the offense or defense, of Jay Cutler or Brian Urlacher, of Mr. Perpetually Irritated or Mr. Perpetually Irritating.

The Bears: "You're going to be a decision-maker, so make a decision already."

Me: "Make it the offense. I'd rather have a guy ignore me than have one who gives me sarcastic one-word answers."

OK, now, I'm the new offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach/associate head coach/brains behind the operation of your Chicago Bears.

Maybe you fear I'm just the latest guy at Halas Hall with no previous experience in his job. Don't worry. I have plenty, although it has been awhile since I called touch football plays as a kid on Sawyer Avenue.

This job isn't splitting atoms anyway. All an offensive coordinator has to do is to maximize his quarterback, especially one named Jay Cutler.

It's clear that Cutler's primary problem is telling the difference between the colors of his team's uniform and the opposition's.

The solution: Skins and shirts. Under my direction the Bears will play naked. Surely Cutler can recognize flesh from flannel, or whatever fabric NFL jerseys are made of.

The next problem is that Bears' wide receivers developed a habit of running routes away from Cutler's passes.

Solution: Paint street props on the field. Devin Hester surely will understand how to run to the Buick and cut up toward the manhole cover.

Finally, complex routes require maximum protection and the Bears' offensive line didn't provide Cutler with much.

Solution: Distract rushers by screaming "One Mississippi! Two Mississippi! Three Mississippi!" in their faces.

You say my offense will be silly? So what's your point? Could it be any sillier than the Bears' has been for decades?

Or, for that matter, any sillier than their coordinator search coming to this?

mimrem@dailyherald.com