Do nice guys really finish last?
We seem to live life by two sets of rules - the "official" rules that everybody would like to be true, and the "unofficial" rules which most of us are afraid are probably more accurate.
For example, one of the official rules says anybody in America can "pull themselves up by the bootstraps." The unofficial version cynically observes that many Americans - laid-off factory workers, the poor, racial minorities, the disabled - barely even have boots.
Another official rule says we all pay our fair share of taxes. Yet, unofficially, we all suspect that millions of wealthy individuals and corporations pay nothing at all.
In the traditional marriage ceremony we say our marriage will last "'till death do us part." We all know, though, that at least half of all marriages end in divorce.
This week I want to talk about one particular official/unofficial rule paradox. It goes something like this: the official rule is that we are to be loving, fair, and caring in our dealings with other people. The unofficial rule says nice guys finish last.
Crazy as it may seem, we try to operate as though both rules are equally valid. On one hand we publicly affirm our commitment to brotherly love, fair play, honesty, selfsacrifice and so on. Behind closed doors, however, a good many people and organizations are more committed to malice, injustice, treachery and "get ahead at any cost."
Disturbingly, it often seems like this particular unofficial rule makes more sense. Success, wealth, power, prestige - all appear to be the payoff for such an underlying commitment. When it comes right down to it, it looks like the nice guys are out there getting trampled while the not-at-all nice are winning the race. Or are they?
Perhaps it all comes down to what race we're running. If we believe that life is about wealth, power, prestige, etc., then a successful life seems to require that we run that particular course. And it doesn't seem to be a pleasant competition. There are an awful lot of casualties and very few winners.
On the other hand, if we believe that life's meaning is found in such values as love, justice, caring and so on (values espoused by many of the world's major religions as well as the humanist movement), then we probably aren't going to do all that well in the race for wealth, power and prestige. I'm not sure we'd want to. Winning that race almost necessitates that we abandon the values we have decided make our lives worthwhile.
Rather than see ourselves as predestined to lose, then, perhaps we can decide that we're simply in a different competition. Success in our race is not found in the power, prestige and wealth we accumulate but in the love, justice and caring we give and receive.
Which race we run is ultimately up to us. It is an individual choice that must be rooted in our own unique struggle to decide what life is all about. And once we do recognize that we have a choice, we also have the freedom to rewrite our unofficial rule: nice guys don't finish last, they're just running a different race.
• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.