Starting 'the conversation' might be best gift of all

While she's looking forward to the first Christmas since she moved into her new home, Shirley Searles jokes about how she'll also celebrate Christmas Eve Eve.

"I celebrate every Wednesday night because I don't have to drag the garbage out," the widowed grandma says with a laugh. "After the brutal weather we went through last year, I didn't want to do that again."

The garbage duty, snow shoveling and housekeeping she used to do are taken care of in Searles' new one-bedroom apartment at The Holmstad retirement community in Batavia. Living alone in her ranch townhouse in Bloomingdale was getting to be too much for Searles, who has artificial knees and hips. Her only daughter, Marcia Boyce, 55, of Batavia, worried that her mom might fall or need her help.

They needed to have "The Conversation."

"Unfortunately, because people do put off the conversation, it's usually a fall, a medical emergency and then you are forced into the conversation," says Karen Larson, executive director of The Holmstad.

Searles and Boyce started talking years ago about making that transition into old age and moving into a senior community.

"It was pretty easy for me because it was actually my mom's idea," Boyce says.

"I anticipated a move while I was still healthy enough to make new friends, settle in and enjoy," Searles explains. Her new apartment is working out fine.

"I had a broom closet built, but I don't have any brooms because we have a cleaning service," Searles says with a chuckle. "I love it here."

Many families want to avoid any confrontation or just don't know how to broach the subject. But a new Web site, havingtheconversation.com, gives people a road map for how to begin that "heart to heart with aging parents."

Sponsored by Covenant Retirement Communities, havingtheconversation.com features a video and articles that explain how to go about it, and mistakes to avoid.

There can't be a "role reversal" where adult children are making decisions for older parents, warns Ron Jaeger, executive director of Windsor Park Manor in Carol Stream.

"That's a tough thing for both the parent and the child," Jaeger says. "This Web site really provides them with a lot of tools."

Just as the image of seniors has changed since today's seniors were dealing with their aging parents, so have the options for older people.

"We constantly fight the stereotype," says Larson, explaining how, while they have more than a half-dozen residents who have already celebrated a 100th birthday, many Holmstad residents drive to their jobs, are in good shape and doing more than they did before their move. "It's not an old person's home. It's just that old people live here."

Most retirement communities offer a variety of services, from independent houses not so different from any subdivision, to offering some living assistance, to round-the-clock nursing care. What's perfect for one aging parent might not be suitable for another.

"It's sort of like shopping for college for your kid," Jaeger notes, adding the many of Windsor's 500 residents have lived there for more than 20 years.

"I have friends in four or five different communities, and some were really pushed by the their kids because they didn't want to leave the house and everything. But I brought a lot of memories with me," Searles says. "I felt, 'Why postpone it any longer?' My daughter and I were on the same page for a year."

There weren't all these options when Searles helped care for her own mother. Searles also was the caretaker for her husband, who was disabled for 13 years before his death in 1999.

Ironically, moving into a retirement center has given her more independence because she doesn't have to worry about icy sidewalks keeping her from a bridge game, getting the gutters cleaned or staying home to wait for a repair service.

"I find I'm even sleeping better because I have less responsibility," Searles says. She plays bridge, goes to church, takes in all the musical programs on the Holmstad entertainment schedule this Christmas, and even says she's been able to reduce the amount of medication she takes to regulate her heart and blood pressure - all because she and her daughter had the conversation.

"It isn't one single conversation," says Larson, who sees holiday gatherings as an opportunity. "It is a difficult time right at the holidays with all the hustle and bustle, but it is OK to start the conversation."