Take steps to make a move less stressful for children

Perhaps one of the most traumatic consequences of our recent real estate melt down has to do with the number of families who are having to move out of their homes.

Pick up almost any of those top 10 lists of major stressors and we'll find moving right up near the top.

Just think about all that goes into a move - buying and selling a home or renting an apartment (with all the legal and financial gyrations involved), sorting and packing (and sometimes discarding) our belongings, lifting and loading and hauling (or, if we're lucky, supervising somebody else doing it for us), unpacking our stuff and trying to make it fit into a different (sometimes smaller) space, getting used to new surroundings (whether across town or across the country).

Then there's saying goodbye to family, friends and colleagues in the place we are leaving, while at the same time saying hello and starting new relationships with new people in the place we are going to. It's no wonder that we can get a bit out of sorts.

Most of us are probably aware of the stress this puts on us as individuals. And if we have a partner, we may even be aware of the stress this puts on us as a couple. What we may not be tuned in to, however, is just how stressful this is for our children and our families as a whole.

We adults at least have some control over the process of moving. It is probably our idea in the first place, and we usually have some say in where we are going and how we're getting there. We have also likely moved before and can tell ourselves that we will probably survive this time, too.

This is not true for our kids, especially the younger ones. Kids feel pretty powerless a good part of the time anyway, and moving just adds to that feeling.

They probably haven't had much of a say about the whole idea, and really don't understand much of what's going on. They just know that their whole world has been packed up in boxes, the place they call home has been closed up and locked off, they have had to say goodbye to their friends and neighborhood, and are now heading off into the unknown.

And all this with little, if any, past experience to reassure them that things will be OK.

This makes for stressed-out kids. And because kids usually have trouble putting their thoughts and feelings into words, they will likely act out this stress rather than talk it out.

Add our own stress, the extra stress if we're married, and the stress our kids are feeling, and we have a recipe for a family melt down.

Which, of course, is often what happens. We all get anxious and irritable and impatient and take it out on each other. And this just adds to the stress we are feeling to begin with. It's not a pretty sight.

There actually are some things we can do to help our families get through the stress of moving. The following ideas aren't guaranteed to work, but they're worth a try.

• Share age-appropriate information. Though younger kids don't need to be told about an impending move until it's obvious something is happening (like you're starting to pack), middle and high school kids ought to be part of the information loop early on. This may raise their anxiety a bit, but it is still better than springing a move on them all at once. We do want to wait, however, until the adults in the family are sure that a move is going to take place and have a pretty good idea of the "hows," "whens" and "wheres."

• Share decision-making whenever possible. Most decisions involved in moving need to be made by adults, but anytime we can include our children in decision-making we'll be better off. They can share their impressions of the new houses or apartments we're considering. If belongings need to be sorted and discarded, they can be given some say in what goes and what stays. Deciding how to arrange things in their new space gives them a chance to contribute their ideas.

• Give everyone something to do. Even a toddler can throw stuffed animals into a bag. We might let our preteens label boxes (assuming we can read their writing). Someone could draw a diagram of the new place and where everything goes. Older kids can help clean, paint, unpack, etc. Even though thinking up and supervising such activities will create a bit more work for us parents, our children will benefit if they are physically involved to some degree in the move.

• Maintain family routines. Moving will inevitably throw off many of our family routines. We can still hold on to such things as sitting down to a meal together, or reading at bedtime, or a family fun night. Maintaining as much of our normal routine as possible reduces the number of changes we all have to accommodate and the amount of stress we will all experience.

• Make moving a special occasion. Our children might pick a charity to give the things we aren't taking with us. We can carry in special meals or have a picnic in the middle of the now bare living room. We might take time out to share with each other our favorite memories of where we're leaving, and our hopes for where we're going. And as moving almost always involves getting new stuff, we can let our kids pick out special things for their new space.

• Settle our kids in first. We are all territorial; we all need space that feels safe and secure and "ours." This is especially true with children. If we fix up and set up their rooms first, unpack their toys and set up the play area, plug in the TV and computer and video game box, we can go a long way toward giving them a sense of place. Outside the home we can take a walk around the yard and neighborhood, walk or drive over to the park or recreation center or pool, check out the school, etc. If we have run into other parents with kids the same age as ours, we might arrange for introductions. Sure, we'd just as soon get everything unpacked, but a few hours spent in settling our kids in will likely calm them down considerably and save us time and energy in the long run.

• Take time to listen and reassure. Even if we do all this and do it well, our kids will still get stressed a bit. No matter how busy or how tired we are, then, we want to take time to ask them how they're doing, listen to their thoughts and feelings, reassure them that such thoughts and feelings are normal, and let them know everything will be OK.

• Practice patience. Above all, we want to cut our kids some slack. Though we don't want to let them get away with everything, we can be a bit more patient when they get out of line. Once things settle down, they will settle down too.

Moving will always be stressful, no matter how many times we do it. If we try some of the ideas suggested above there's a good chance our family can handle this stress without getting stressed out.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.