Punishment is necessary to use as parenting tool

Third in a series

Nobody likes punishment. Kids don't like being punished and, if we're honest with ourselves, we parents don't like punishing.

Yet the reality is that punishment is one of the parenting tools we need to know how to use. Though it will be a tool we want to use sparingly, we also want to feel confident and effective when we do use it.

When do we punish?

In past weeks, we've talked about the effectiveness of both "reward" and "The Law of Logical Consequences" in our parenting. These two strategies can be used in many (perhaps even most) situations.

Punishment is best used when specific family rules or standards have been disobeyed or ignored, and when our children will not suffer consequences for these actions from outside the family.

For example, when our children don't do their homework, or do their homework correctly, they are "punished" in school; i.e. they get bad grades. It doesn't make sense for us to punish them too; that's like double jeopardy.

On the other hand, we may want to establish family rules around when, where, and how long our children do homework: "Homework will be done after school, at the kitchen table, for no less than an hour."

And if these family rules are disobeyed, then we probably want to impose our own punishment: "When I got home from the store, you were watching TV rather than doing homework. We told you that you don't get to go outside if you don't follow the rule. I want you to turn off the TV, get your books out, and spend the next hour doing your homework" (and if our kids refuse, we need to have some sort of backup punishment).

As our example suggests, family rules have to do with what goes on in the family: how time is spent at home, jobs around the house, how people treat each other, privileges, limits, etc. Each time we establish a family rule, we need to spell out a punishment (i.e. consequences) for not following it (remember, we can offer rewards for obeying the rules, too).

What is good punishment?

There are a number of principles to keep in mind when it comes to the nuts and bolts of using punishment in our families.

1) Explain our rules and punishments clearly and beforehand.

2) Enforce our punishments consistently.

3) Impose our punishments as soon as possible after the rules have been broken.

4) Explain our punishments as we are enforcing them (and tell our children when we are angry, or sad, or frightened, or whatever emotion we are feeling in the process).

5) Make our punishments time limited.

6) Resist the temptation to get even (vengeance may feel good for a while, but we'll regret it later).

7) Don't use violence (spanking, slapping, pushing - or any other form of physical punishment - just doesn't work in the long haul).

What are some effective punishments?

Some punishments work better than others. A few that seem to get good results are:

1) Loss of freedom (grounding for a certain time or in a certain place).

2) Loss of activity (taking away the right to do something that our children like to do).

3) Loss of possession (confiscating toys, taking away the car keys, taking away clothes thrown on the floor).

4) Extra responsibilities or jobs.

There is a lot more we could say about punishment as a tool in our parenting. As I mentioned before, the more we can use such strategies as reward and The Law of Logical Consequences rather than punishment the better off we will be. Yet punishment can be an effective part of our overall approach to parenting if we use it carefully and wisely.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.