Teach your kids the law of logical consequences

Second in a series

The Law of Logical Consequences - we obey it daily. If we speed every time we get behind the wheel, sooner or later we get a ticket. If we consistently spend more than we make, we go broke. If we burn our candle at both ends - working long hours, staying out late partying - we eventually just run out of steam, or perhaps even get sick. If we goof off at work, we get fired. If we eat more than we need, we gain weight.

The Law of Logical Consequences: what we do or say has a fairly predictable effect on our lives. It's such a part of our thinking that we often forget it's a law we learned, not one that we were born knowing. In fact, it took years and years of growing up to learn this law and some of us, unfortunately, never really completely absorbed it.

It's our job as parents to teach our children this basic guide for living. And though part of their learning takes place as we talk about the Law of Logical Consequences, most of it occurs as we allow our children to safely (we hope) experience it. For example, we can tell our 10-year-old that if he doesn't do his math homework, he won't pass the next test. But he may need to flunk a test or two to really absorb the lesson.

We can tell our 4-year-old not to go racing down the stairs. But it may take a tumble before she takes us seriously.

Or our 17-year-old may assure us that she can stay out to 1 a.m. and still make it to her 6 a.m. Saturday job. We probably need to expect that it will take being late a few times, and maybe even getting a pink slip, before she recognizes her limits.

We may clearly explain the new household rule: anything (clothes, school books, toys, etc.) left lying around where it doesn't belong gets confiscated at the end of the day. But we may accumulate a closet full of our children's stuff before they believe it.

I used the word "safely" a few paragraphs ago. Our job as parents also includes attempting to protect our children in those situations where learning the Law of Logical Consequences through experience would be dangerous, if not even deadly.

We don't want our 3-year-old learning about speeding cars by running out in the street. We don't want our 7-year-old learning about being cautious around strangers by being abducted by one. We don't want our teenager learning about safe sex by getting pregnant.

When you think about it, we parents have a hard job. On one hand we want to allow our children to learn the Law of Logical Consequences by experiencing it, yet on the other hand we need to protect them from their own ignorance of it.

I'm afraid many of us parents err on the side of overcaution. We try so hard to protect our children from a failing grade, or a bump on the knee, or losing a job, or having all their toys locked away, that we prevent them from learning the Law of Logical Consequences in the process. And the problem is, the longer our children wait to learn it, the harder it will be on them. A failed math test in fourth grade is hardly as traumatic as flunking a math class in high school. A bump on the knee caused by reckless running is a lot easier to deal with than a neck broken in a car wreck caused by reckless driving. Losing a parttime job flipping burgers as a teen is easier to handle than getting fired from our fulltime jobs over and over again as an adult.

Using rewards whenever possible (last week's topic) and allowing our children to experience the Law of Logical Consequences are both part of being an effective parent. And we will also find ourselves punishing less when we use them both consistently. Punishment is, however, a necessary parenting tool.

Next week we'll discuss its use.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.