Learning to share is important at any age
He was a 50-year-old male with two graduate degrees, but for all his sophistication his motivation was no different than that of my 6-year-old granddaughter when she protests "mine, it's mine!"
His exact words were "I'd rather handle this myself."
But those of us sitting at the table with him all heard the meaning behind his words. It was his project, and he wasn't about to share control with anyone. He might as well have said "it's mine, mine, mine!"
Learning to share - whether it's a toy or a project - is one of the most difficult developmental tasks we must master. Sharing seems to run counter to many of our basic survival instincts. It requires that we value others as we value ourselves. And it means that we won't get what we want - or at least all of what we want - a good part of the time.
The ability to share does not develop until late in the preschool years. And even then sharing must be taught. It does not come naturally. It takes years of gentle, yet persistent, training before children learn how to share, yet alone the value of sharing.
What is the value of sharing? Why is it so important?
Pragmatically, sharing leads to mutual obligations which will be important to our future well-being. "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine" comes in awfully handy when we can't reach the place that itches. We share today knowing that tomorrow we may want or need someone else to share with us.
Sharing is also part of the foundation of positive relating. One of the most basic ways of demonstrating our love or caring for another person is to share with that person. Acting selfishly - the opposite of sharing - is, in fact, one of the major impediments to relational health, whether it is relating to a colleague at work, a friend, or our spouse.
Finally, altruism - the moral value underlying the act of sharing - is built into our basic human nature. Mature adults feel "good" when they share because such sharing fits who they really are.
I'd like to offer some foolproof techniques for teaching children to share. I suspect, however, that it is simply a matter of doing it ourselves and then explaining what we're doing. We can also find opportunities for our children to practice sharing when they get old enough to give it a try. (Perhaps teaching adults to share involves the same steps, though adults are often slower learners.)
Sharing may be one of the most important lessons we teach our children. Certainly adults who do not know how to share are destined to live lonely, frustrating and ultimately meaningless lives.
• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.