Unguarded look into family life of a civilian soldier

Settling back into work and normal suburban life can be a challenge for people returning from one week of a carefree summer vacation somewhere fun. So imagine the toll taken when a family member is gone for 400 days in a dangerous, far-off land, communication is spotty and no one is sure when, or even if, the family will be reunited.

As the wife of Illinois National Guard Col. Richard Hayes, Danette Hayes doesn't have to imagine. The Buffalo Grove mother of three lived it, blogged it and now has written a book about it. Titled "400 Days" in reference to the length of deployment required by National Guard members, Hayes' book chronicles her family's "adventure" while her husband was deployed in Kosovo.

As a vice president of an engineering firm who had a brother living in Germany, Richard Hayes had the opportunity to move his wife and their then 14-year-old daughter, Kelly, to an apartment in Kaiserworth, Germany, for the year so he could spend time with them during his rare leaves from duty in Kosovo.

Danette Hayes unflinchingly reveals the stress her husband's National Guard duty in 2007 and 2008 placed on their family.

She worried when her husband told her not to worry about how his Blackhawk took on tracer shots. She visualized his funeral. She missed him. She missed his civilian paycheck. She struggled with being a single mom in a strange land.

"Don't give me this 'you knew what you signed up for' crap," she barked at his image one night during one of their conversations via Skype, the Internet phone network. "I'm not a soldier. I'm your wife. I'm a civilian. You were a civilian until they called up the National Guard."

His wife had it rough because "she didn't have the massive time distraction that I did," quips Richard Hayes, who worked 18-to-20-hour days for a year during his history-making mission that saw Kosovo proclaim independence.

While full-time active duty military personnel have bases and a plethora of services for families, members of the National Guard bounce between their military lives and their civilian lives.

"The emotional drain during deployment can be really hard," says AnnaMaria White, co-director of communications for a new charity called Blue Star Families, which helps families of military members. Her Marine husband has been deployed for 19 months of the last two years, including seven months in Iraq.

Illinois National Guard members who had served in Afghanistan were welcomed home this week as heroes by Gov. Pat Quinn. But just because they are home, doesn't mean the sacrifice is finished.

In a recent speech welcoming home troops, First Lady Michelle Obama cited a Blue Star Families' survey showing that "94 percent of our military families don't feel like their communities know of their struggles." Obama urged employers, neighbors and friends to say thank you and do everything they can to make the transition easier.

In "400 Days," Danette Hayes notes that her husband came home to a full-blown recession and the remnants of a flood that ruined their basement. He was depressed, brought home a new cigar habit, forgot that doors and cabinets in their Buffalo Grove home didn't shut automatically as they did in the military, frequently checked his belt for his weapon, had fretful dreams and wasn't quite the same man who had left a year earlier.

"One night I awoke to him telling me not to move or he'd blow my head off," she writes.

After a year at home, Richard Hayes says he is "finally now back in a groove." Danette Hayes says she finds comfort by immersing herself in efforts to help other families, including her post as director of National Guard and Reserve Outreach for Blue Star Families (www.bluestarfam.org). The couple will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary on Aug. 25.

"Rich and I are the lucky ones, and as uncertain as tomorrow is with the next round of deployments, one thing will never change," Danette Hayes writes, "and that is the pride and the honor my husband and our family feel in serving our country."

The book, with 5 percent of proceeds going to groups that help military families, is available online for $16.99 through Amazon or at www.createspace.com/3357160.