Can you resolve conflict so everyone wins?

"Arguing never solves anything. You can't avoid differences of opinion; your best bet is to keep to yourself and just ignore them."

"You'll always have arguments. The most important thing about them is to stay friends. Sure, that usually means giving in, but it's a lot better to not get what you want than it is to have somebody mad at you."

"Look, you're either right or you're wrong. If you are in an argument you go out and win. Sure, somebody loses. They may even get ticked off. But right is right."

"Arguing is a waste of time. You usually don't get what you want and somebody always gets upset. The best thing to do is to find something that nobody dislikes too much and compromise on that as quickly as you can."

If one of the preceding statements fits the way you view conflict in your relationships, you're in the majority. For most of us, such conflict seems unavoidable; as well as useless and destructive. The idea that we might be able to work through a conflict situation and come out ahead is a bit hard to swallow. Yet, believe it or not, some people do just that.

Psychologist Jay Hall has developed a way to look at conflict which can help us better manage these situations. First, Hall suggests, we need to change the way we look at conflict. Conflict between two people is neither good nor bad, it just is. No two of us are alike; that goes for our likes and dislikes, our opinions, our wants and desires. When these differences surface - that's conflict.

From past experience, we usually see such conflict as bad. That's mainly because we don't know how to handle it. But it's not conflict that is bad. It's just the way we deal with it that causes problems.

If we accept that conflict is neither good nor bad, we can accept another important idea: conflict can be managed so that everyone involved comes away as a "winner."

Hall believes we bring two distinct concerns to any conflict. First is a concern for relationships. How will the conflict affect our relationship with the other person or people with whom we are involved? Second is a concern for goals. How much of what we want or need will we get out of the situation?

Both are legitimate, important concerns. For conflict to be constructive, our relationships have to survive intact and our needs have to be met to some degree.

Our problems with conflict are usually the result of the way we juggle these two concerns. Let me suggest a few ways we often do this.

1. Some people believe that, since conflict never accomplishes anything, you just need to avoid it. When confronted with a conflict situation, these people attempt to gloss over differences or ignore the fact that they exist. They try to remain distant and uninvolved. They aren't invested in either their relationship or their personal goals.

2. Those of us who are convinced that even the hint of conflict always drives people apart, and who believe that pursuing our personal goals can only result in alienation, usually give in before the first shot is fired. "Just so long as we're still friends!" becomes our "battle cry."

3. If we don't put much stock in how we get along with others, and believe that getting what we want or being right is most important, then we adopt a "win at any cost" mentality. The cost, of course, is usually the health of our families and friendship.

4. People who decide nobody can really win in conflict will often settle for a quick fix. They work out a compromise in which no one actually gets what they want or feels particularly happy. But, they reason, at least nobody is too angry or too dissatisfied.

None of the above four ways of balancing our concern for our relationships and our goals really works very well. Something seems to be always getting shortchanged.

Hall believes there is a way that we can both meet our needs for maintaining healthy relationships and achieving personal goals. A friend of mine calls this "carefronting" (for caringly confronting) as opposed to the confronting we often do in conflict.

In carefronting we recognize that conflict is inevitable and potentially constructive. We go into conflict committed to the idea that our relationship can grow and that we can all feel satisfied with the solution we come up with.

Carefronting requires some skills. We need to learn to really listen to what others are saying, and understand why they are saying it. We also need to be honest about what we want, yet flexible enough to see it as just one option among many.

Carefronting requires commitment. We have to believe enough in ourselves to stick it out and not sell ourselves - or anyone else - when things are a little sticky. Carefronting also calls on us to be creative in unison. How can we work together to solve this? How can we pool our unique ideas, talents, skills and experiences to come up with something we'll all feel good about?

Finally, to constructively manage conflict, we have to be willing to take some risks. We will be opening ourselves up to the possibility that our efforts at carefronting will sometimes fail. Practice makes perfect, but practice can be painful. That's why it is a good idea to start out with a friend who is willing to work with us to learn this new approach to dealing with our differences.

The question is not whether we will experience conflict in our lives. The question is whether we will use it "carefrontingly" to both accomplish our goals and strengthen our relationships.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove.