Hey, an 11-5 Bears season is no fantasy

A month ago the Bears' schedule would have gone directly to the agate page.

Now it's big news with King Cutler the new sheriff in town, to say nothing of the new quarterback/savior.

So let's study this carefully and use a foolproof formula - add here, divide by 4, subtract there, multiply by 8 - to forecast the Bears' final regular-season record.

My goodness it comes out to 16-0, apparently the only plausibility with Jay Cutler.

Of course, even if the Bears were playing an entire schedule against Lombardi's Packers, Walsh's 49ers and Belicheck's Patriots, the same conclusion would be foregone.

We're talking perfect season, my friends.

This is all based on the inevitability that Cutler will be the NFL's unanimous Most Valuable Player in 2009.

Meanwhile, Cutler will turn head coach Lovie Smith into Da Coach of the Year, general manager Jerry Angelo into Da Executive of the Year and club president Ted Phillips into Da President of the Free World.

No one would have thought that Mike McCaskey would be a leading candidate for election into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but Cutler will make it happen.

The improbable becomes probable when Jay Cutler leads the Bears to 16-0, to say nothing of 23-0 counting the preseason and postseason.

Of course, all this occurs only after Adrian Peterson demands his release from the Vikings to play with Cutler, Peyton Manning insists on leaving the Colts to become Cutler's backup, and Pacman Jones submits to a lobotomy so he can be cleared to be Cutler's teammate.

The only question is whether any opponent will score after Cutler's passing demoralizes it. A good guess is one might, considering the Bears' first-string defense won't ever have to play the second half.

Then again, Cutler might go back in at, say, linebacker to thwart, say, the Packers in the unlikely event they stumble into, say, the red zone.

Seriously, will the Bears ever trail in a game? Will the NFL have to institute a slaughter rule? Will the NFC Central forfeit the division title at midseason?

Yes, folks, we're talking undefeated Super Bowl champions. Unfortunately, we're also talking fantasy football.

Like most people around here, I get a little carried away with the prospect of the Bears establishing a modern-era franchise precedent by featuring a quarterback with all his limbs.

So let's return to reality and take a look at the game-by-game prospects for this season: Bears 100, Packers 0; Bears 96, Steelers 0; Bears 133, Seahawks 0 -

Wait, sorry, I relapsed into a Jay Cutler Fantasy Tour again.

Here's what we really can expect from the Bears, who have the easiest schedule this side of Madonna's black book:

An 11-5 record and a berth in the playoffs.

That's 6 upset losses. Yes, 6, including that NBC didn't commandeer King Cutler for every Thursday night to replace "ER" as must-see TV.

Regardless, the issue shouldn't even be what the Bears' record will be this year. It's what their record will be during the next decade with Cutler running the offense.

I'm saying 160-0, my friends. Oops, I lapsed back into that fantasy football thing again, didn't I?

Make it 11-5 this year and leave it at that.

mimrem@dailyherald.com