Bills, not Bears, get comic relief
In a perverted way it would have been fun for the Bears to fall for Terrell Owens' act.
You know, especially considering that as is the Bears appear to be no closer to the Super Bowl than Jennifer Aniston is to closure.
Comic relief is always good in desperate times.
Until word arrived that Buffalo signed T.O. over the weekend, myriad visions danced in my head of him as a Bear.
First there was a Soldier Field battery of Michael Vick throwing to Owens.
Then there was Virginia McCaskey telling friends that "T.O. is her favorite Bear since Walter Payton."
Then there was Owens intercepting a pass intended for Devin Hester just so he could say he caught one.
Anyway, Owens must be an awfully good wide receiver to keep finding work despite himself. I mean, if the NFL is the No Fun League, its DNA is Divas Not Allowed.
Like, does Bears coach Lovie Smith strike you as a guy who reads People magazine in Halas Hall? Does general manager Jerry Angelo strike you as a guy who rushes home from the office to watch "Access Hollywood"?
No, the cultural high points of their day are reading scouting reports and watching game tapes.
The only thing more boring than a winning NFL team is a championship NFL team. Off the field players can do what you want. In the locker room they must do what they're told.
Shoot somebody in a bar, even yourself, and you'll be welcomed back. Disrupt the locker room and one of your coaches will shoot you in a bar.
If a player divides the team it'll eventually be, "Get out of town," as Owens learned in San Francisco, Philadelphia and recently Dallas. Get a bus ticket ready, Buffalo.
Signing Owens is a team's confession. It says we aren't close so let's hire a scapegoat to provide some entertainment.
An NFL team doesn't resort to Owens if it has a chance to win. Buffalo hooked up with him because it was out of ideas for a cheap fix.
The Bills had to either sign T.O. or move some home games to Canada. Wait, they already moved a couple of home games to Toronto, so it was sign Owens or bust, or both.
(This is an international incident waiting to happen, isn't it?)
People and players alike in Buffalo are thrilled to have Owens. Stories in the Buffalo News on Sunday quoted countless players as saying they were "excited."
Heck, the late Tim Russert, a crazy Bills fan, probably is pumping his fists and screaming, "Yes!"
Ah, but what might Bills head coach Dick Jauron really think? Judging by his time coaching the Bears, this button-down, book-smart gentleman is as happy to add the open-collar, smart-rear Owens to his locker room as the economy is to add 600,000 more unemployed.
But some forces like Owens are irresistible. Some mixed-up team always will concoct an excuse to stir T.O. - or T-uh-O - into its mix.
The Bills consider signing Owens their puzzle's final piece when actually it represents their locker room's final peace.
Unrest is what Buffalo gets for ignoring the No Divas Allowed rule.
Still, T.O. should be fun for a team like the Bears, er, Bills that doesn't appear to be as close as it imagines it is.