Some suggestions for Big Ten football

In his column, "Big Ten a joke ... and that's no joke," Mike Imrem writes: "As an Illinois alumnus, it seems to me that a conference comprised of great research universities should be able to go into the laboratory and concoct the formula for a dominant football program."

Surely, you're joking. There is absolutely no need to go to any laboratory to concoct the formula. Here are seven proven means to lift Big 10 football out of its so-called mediocrity: 1) Remind college presidents the mission of their schools is to create teams of athletes worthy of BCS berths, not well-educated citizens whose educations are enhanced by participation in competitive sports; 2) Pack the board of governors with wealthy, sports-crazed boosters; 3) Increase the number of NCAA approved "special admits" (athletes with combined SAT scores well below the old minimum of 820); 4) Invest in first-class athletes-only academic facilities staffed by tutors, counselors and learning specialists and equipped with the latest computer technology and other amenities so athletes need not be unnecessarily distracted by academic work; 5) Expand the number of "friendly faculty" to hand out A's to athletes who have done little work and have attended few classes as well as expand the number of less rigorous academic majors to avoid the appearance of clustering; 6) Cast a blind eye toward the use of performance enhancing drugs; 7) Establish discreet programs that will make it financially worthwhile for athletes, facilitate tax-free donations to help fund the athletic arms race, allow transfer of general academic funds to athletic programs.

The implementation of these means will level the playing field and all but guarantee Big-10 bowl teams that can give teams from Oklahoma, Florida, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, California, and Texas, a real run for their money.

Frank G. Splitt

Mount Prospect