Ulysses, he ain't, but career options still peachy for impeached Blago
If you are a resident in the Land of Lincoln, the news is that the Illinois House voted Friday to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich in the wake of the felony criminal allegations that he is a crook brazen enough to sell a U.S. Senate seat.
If you are a resident of Blagoland, the news - and I'm going to paraphrase our governor here - is that the evil House hates sick kids and cancer moms so very, very much that the representatives' impeachment vote is payback against the brave and hardworking Blagojevich because he saved all those lives and thwarted the House's dastardly plans.
On a day when national unemployment figures hit 7.2 percent, the Illinois House moved one step closer to its goal of leaving the state's six constitutional officers with a 16.7 percent unemployment rate. The fate of the newly impeached guv now rests with the Illinois Senate. If 40 of the 59 senators say Blago must go, then the embattled Democrat will find himself with free time to work on his defense before his federal corruption trial begins.
The impeachment process - which, despite our state's sleazy reputation, has never been implemented against an Illinois governor before - is complicated and could take time. The way I understand it, if Blagojevich emerges from his lair to take his morning jog on Feb. 2 and sees his shadow, we taxpayers will have six more weeks of the Blagojevich Administration.
In his Friday afternoon news conference, Blagojevich vowed to fight until he is exonerated of all charges. He closed by reciting from memory a few lines of the poem "Ulysses" by Alfred Lord Tennyson. I suspect the poem was meant to make us understand that the governor is a hero who has done great things and still longs to do more.
The poetic justice crowd is rooting that he'll be removed from office during Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday party in February. And Blagojevich is paying a top-notch defense attorney to make all his problems go away and set him up for a 2016 presidential run. If the Senate moves our governor off the state payroll and he manages to avoid a lower-paying job folding prison laundry next to George Ryan, Blagojevich might need to get out of the politics business and find a new career.
He could make money as a sweatsuit model. Surely Nike, makers of the sweatsuit the disgraced governor was photographed wearing on the day he was impeached, would pay him a little something to wear Adidas.
Congressman Dan Rostenkowski, who went to prison after the Feds caught him in a financial scandal, rebounded from his public humiliation to become a TV political commentator. He even got a pardon from President Bill Clinton, who knows an awful lot about making a career for himself after scandal and impeachment.
Blagojevich is no Rosty or Slick Willy. If he has a career in TV, it probably isn't as a commentator or unofficial ambassador. I see him as more of a game show host. Given all the politicians synonymous with scandal, it's surprising we don't have a Disgraced Politicians Network entertaining and revolting us 24 hours a day. I'd pay money to see Blagojevich host a "To Tell the Truth" game show on the DPN. He could introduce three young female contestants, let Clinton insist, "I did not have sex with that woman," and then celebrity guests could ask questions as they try to determine which of the three did not have sex with Clinton.
In a letter to the House impeachment committee, former Blagojevich adviser Bob Arya said the guv spoke just like a "street thug." If they ever make that "Sopranos" movie, I could see our governor as an extra swearing from the trunk of a mobster's car. Judging from the salty language on the tapes prosecutors have, Blagojevich might be able to get a gig as a vocabulary consultant to Chicago playwright David Mamet. Blagojevich's wife Patti might be able to contribute a few choice dialogue words as well.
A Rod & Patti reality show might replace "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" on the E! network. The show could be sponsored by Effen Vodka.
No matter what happens with Blagojevich, he remains a big Cubs fan. He doesn't get along very well with the current Cubs owners. But as soon as the Tribune Co. sells the team, he should apply for a job as anger management consultant to Milton Bradley, the Cubs passionate new right fielder. If Blago can bat lefty, he might even have a shot at platooning in center.
If all else fails, he could make money as a hair donor.