Help available after man's best friend passes

Three summers ago, Howard Stidwill began preparing for the inevitable loss of a close friend. Max, his happy-go-lucky English pointer of 10 years, had been diagnosed with bladder cancer and was not expected to survive.

Faced with few other options, Stidwill, 61, of St. Charles, buckled down and did his best to accept the situation in spite his grief.

"My focus was to make sure there was no pain, and I would do the right thing," he recalled.

Max was euthanized after his condition worsened in August 2005. In the weeks that followed, Stidwill, an author and cancer rehabilitation specialist, and his wife, Barbara, cremated Max and split his ashes among his favorite running path near the Fox River and a small urn in their living room. It was an attempt at closure, and the couple eventually moved on.

But the ordeal of losing a their beloved Max had been more emotionally exhausting than they ever imagined.

"There's very little closure," said Stidwill, who would go through a nearly identical experience with his 10-year-old Yorkie Poo, T.J., two years later. "I came to realize that, in society, there is this absence of recognition for the loss of a pet."

Today, Stidwill is among a small but growing number of pet owners across the country working to change that status quo through pet bereavement services such as the Best of Friends Support Group in St. Charles.

The group, which Stidwill helped form in April, puts those facing a recent or imminent loss in a confidential setting where they can express themselves openly and have candid discussions on topics like euthanasia.

"It's really nice to have somebody going through the same thing," said Joel Huffman of Elburn, a veterinarian who helps lead the monthly meetings. "Most people just want to talk."

Pet loss support groups are not a new concept, but they are relatively uncommon in comparison to those available for people with terminal illnesses or addictions, for example.

Wallace Sife, a New York psychologist who founded the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement 12 years ago, runs five Internet chat rooms on the subject a week and each draws about 20 pet owners from across the globe.

His volunteer-run nonprofit, whose annual membership hovers around 600, also provides materials to startup support groups and hosts an online memorial for deceased pets.

Sife described it as a "burgeoning" field that seems to be gaining momentum over the Web.

"We've been able to help, I think it's eight different support groups go up around the world in the last year alone," said Sife, whose book "The Loss of a Pet" is considered a standard in its field. "The Internet made that possible."

Experts agree the death of a pet can have a lasting effect on anyone, regardless of age, gender or whether the person lives alone.

They note that owners, after years of beginning and ending each day with a household pet, often feel closer to their pets than some family members. The attachment tends to run even deeper among those who have cared for a pet for a long time or relied on it as a service animal.

When a pet does die, one of the most commonly shared experiences is a sense of guilt, particularly in cases of euthanasia. Others feel bad later for thinking of replacing a pet or for being upset about the animal's death in the first place.

Site said some mourners are "criticized by family members, even friends" who may not own a pet themselves or simply don't get it.

"The bond between somebody who's severely grieving and the pet is something that's so strong, the pet is viewed as a surrogate child in a sense, as a best friend and, in some ways, a soul mate," he said. "When such a pet dies, it leaves such a great hole in this person's life. It's the relationship that is being mourned, not just the pet."

Linda Petersen has seen just about every method of pet grieving in the 12 years she's worked at Paw Print Gardens and Crematory in West Chicago, where today she's general manager.

The pet cemetery and kennel, which Petersen's aunt opened in 1966, operates much like a regular funeral home for humans, with burial plots, a visitation room, urns, headstones, cremation services and pet-size caskets.

Petersen, who lives on site, estimated that about 3,000 animals, including cats, dogs, goldfish, birds and even horses, are buried on the nearly 3-acre property, which is open to the public daily.

She said customers come from all over the country.

"For a lot of people, this is closure," Petersen said. "This is the way they deal with the grief."

At the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine in Urbana, a toll-free pet loss help line open three evenings a week generates around 450 calls a year.

Cheryl Weber, a client counselor specialist at the college, said operators often encourage callers to memorialize pets in some fashion, be it by making a photo slide show of the animal or planting a tree. Weber also uses the help line to put callers in touch with the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement or, if they're fortunate enough to have one nearby, a local support group like Best of Friends.

"What often happens is, people just feel very alone, which is why support groups are so wonderful," she said. "No one there is going to be judgmental. No one there is going to say, 'What's wrong with you?'"

Stidwill said he, on some level, had less difficulty dealing with the deaths of his parents, who lived into their 90s, than the sudden loss of his furry companions, although he felt more prepared for T.J.'s death after losing Max.

"It was kind of, OK, they're gone, now what?" he said. "The thing is, with animals, it's so fast. They're there one day, and then the next, the little guy's gone. It's so sudden."

One of Stidwill's memorials to his pets is Best of Friends. Currently, it's a small group - about four or so regular visitors. Its Web site is bestoffriendsbeth.org. Meetings are from 7 to 8:30 p.m. on the second Monday of each month at Bethlehem Lutheran Church, 1145 N. Fifth Ave.

Stidwill said the group is supported by the church's community outreach program but is not otherwise affiliated with any religion. Any pet owner is welcome.

"To me, it's a success if people come for a while and then don't come," Stidwill said. "Everybody has their own way."

Help is available:

A variety of support is available online, in person and by phone to people who are grieving the death of a pet.

• The Best of Friends pet loss support group meets from 7 to 8:30 p.m. on the second Monday of each month at Bethlehem Lutheran Church, 1145 N. Fifth Ave., St. Charles. For more information, call (630) 584-2199, extension 232, or visit bestoffriendsbeth.org.

• The Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement runs five pet loss chat rooms a week at aplb.org. Other information and materials on the subject are available at the Web site as well. For more information, call (718) 382-0690.

• The University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine toll-free pet loss help line, (877) 394-2273, is open from 7 to 9 p.m. Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. The line does not offer medical advice. For more information, visit vetmed.illinois.edu/CARE.