Little time to digest all this tasty news
Tuesday was another one of those rat-a-tat-tat news days around here.
Stop the presses!
"NFL suspends six players for using banned substance."
One of pro football's most sacred principles is if you can't beat 'em, suspend 'em.
Also, if you can't suspend 'em, flatten the tires on their bus. Also, if you can't keep them from getting to the stadium, put ants in their jockstraps.
Whatever it takes.
The Bears were having trouble winning the division on the field, but there's more than one way to skin a Viking.
Among the players suspended were Minnesota's Kevin Williams and Pat Williams, twin Pro Bowl defensive tackles. Three others play for the Saints, who come to Soldier Field Dec. 11.
Catching the Vikings will be a lot easier if the Williams' suspensions hold up. Catching them will be even easier if the Saints' suspensions hold up.
The Bears also play Jacksonville (natural disasters do happen in Florida), Green Bay (even athletes slip on the ice up there) and Houston (didn't someone once say, "Houston, you have a problem?").
Seriously, if the Bears don't win the NFC North now, they better take a personal inventory of themselves.
Wait, stop the presses again!
"White Sox trade Javier Vazquez and Boone Logan to Atlanta in five-player deal."
If you have a garage sale planned, Sox general manager Kenny Williams is the man to run it for you.
That 25-year-old bicycle with a wheel missing? $100. That dresser without drawers and couch without cushions? Ask for $50 for the set and take $25. That lawn mower leaking gas? Priceless.
Seriously, Williams can dump anything on anybody if he could dump Vazquez and Logan on the Braves and earlier Nick Swisher on the Yankees.
Vazquez, a righty starter, can't win a big game. Logan, a lefty reliever, can't get anybody out. Swisher, a switch hitter, can't hit from either side of the plate.
Yet Williams not only foisted all three on other teams, he received living, breathing bodies in return.
Don't be surprised to hear that Circuit City contracted Williams to handle its liquidation sale.
Wait, stop the presses again!
"Reports out of South Bend say Notre Dame retaining Charlie Weis as head coach."
Maybe the Fighting Irish should have hired the NFL to suspend Weis or Kenny Williams to get rid of him at a profit.
Listen, it isn't surprising that Notre Dame kept Weis, considering one report indicated it would take $20 million to buy him out of his contract.
But the way Irish administrators goofed up in the past, it's easy now to assume that anything they do is wrong.
A series of coaches named Bob Davie, Ty Willlingham and Charlie Weis - Bringing in George O'Leary as head coach and ushering him out before he coached a game because of irregularities on his resume - Failing to recognize that Weis is somebody who would offend so many people he interacts with -
So you figure if the Irish kept Weis it would be a dumb move and if they fired him it would be a dumb move.
Wait, stop the presses again!
"Reports indicate Tribune Company to hire Kenny Williams to sell the Cubs."
Just kidding, I think.
mimrem@dailyherald.com