New 'Monopoly' should include 'Get out of debt free' card

All across the suburbs, parents are discovering that the old board games they grew up with have changed.

The classic game "Battleship" offers many versions. But the one seemingly grabbed from today's headlines is the one featuring pirates.

The game of "Life" now lets you earn life tiles by doing good deeds and community service, which is a nice touch. However, the game needs updating again, as players still can make money in the stock market.

"Risk," the game where invading armies vie for global domination, now sells a "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" edition where players battle for an entire galaxy.

"Twister," the game that used to tie kids up in knots, now offers "Twister Moves with Hannah Montana." Instead of spinning for a color, you listen to a CD on which Lily and Oliver call out dance moves to Hannah Montana songs such as "I Got Nerve."

Perhaps "Sorry" is kowtowing to lazy kids with its new "Sorry! Sliders" edition. The makers added a ball bearing to the pieces so players can roll around the board instead of actually lifting the pieces from square to square.

But I think the old standby "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" is attempting to cut our childhood obesity problem in half. I saw a new box labeled just "Hungry Hippos."

"Operation," the game where players pretend to be surgeons who use tweezers to remove ailments such as a "funny bone," has been updated. New maladies include "joystick wrist" and "texting thumb." (Malpractice insurance sold separately.)

"Chutes and Ladders" used to be a simple game for preschoolers, but the new version has a moral element with ladders linked to good deeds and chutes as punishment for bad deeds. Mowing the lawn is listed as a good deed in the game, but if a mom looked in the back yard and discovered her preschooler pushing a power mower, she probably wouldn't reward him.

Even "Clue" felt that murder needed to be updated. Instead of Colonel Mustard killing somebody in the conservatory with a candlestick, Mustard is now a football star who can use a trophy to bash in a skull. And if the football star gets away with murder, maybe he can be nailed for armed robbery later. (We should be happy that the game hasn't gotten to the point where Mustard the Pimp kills somebody in the home theater with a Glock G17 9 mm pistol.)

"Monopoly," the popular real estate game from Parker Brothers, might qualify as the king of all board games. Kids used to move around the board from Mediterranean Avenue to Boardwalk, buying utilities, railroads and the properties on which they hoped to build a house or two and eventually a hotel. Moving their pieces - an old shoe, a race car, a cannon - around the board, players passed go, rested on free parking, won second prize in beauty contests and occasionally went to jail.

For several decades, that was enough for kids. Then the "Monopoly" market exploded. The classic game has 100 versions - from "Bass Fishing Monopoly," where the Tackle Box can land on Lake Winnipesaukee, to "Chicago Bears Monopoly," where the opposing quarterback should have no trouble passing Go or passing all over the field against the Bears defense.

In our house, we play "The Simpsons Monopoly," where Blinky the three-eyed fish might land on Burns Manor. But I'm intrigued by the new "Here & Now Monopoly," which dubs itself as "a modern makeover for today's would-be billionaires." Given the recent bailout hearings in Washington, the game already needs updating.

Say you are moving your piece (a private jet) around the board, land on some other player's property and can't pay. You shouldn't have to dicker, deal, sell off your houses and mortgage property to make your payments. In today's game, you should be able to use one of your "Get Out of Debt Free" cards. Free parking also should be a "$700 billion-dollar bailout" space.

Perhaps the auto industry, currently asking for a $25 billion handout" could get by on only $24 billion if they expanded their market into board games.

Think of the extra revenue if all "Monopoly" games were forced to add three new tokens - a Chevy Malibu, a Ford F-series pickup and a Chrysler Town & Country.