Letting off Steam

Talking about how to deal with feelings, a popular psychologist recently suggested that "a good 'swear word' now and then can do wonders."

This mental health professional was not suggesting that we all take up creative cussing, or that regular profanity is vital to our emotional well being. He was, however, pointing out that we all need to learn to express our anger in more constructive ways.

When we are angry, we're like a pressure cooker full of steam. Generally, most of us deal with our anger in one of three ways.

One way is to ignore it. That's often called "repression." We repress our awareness of the fact that there is this steam filled pressure cooker on the stove. Even though we walk by it, we just don't see it. And if we don't see it, it's not there, right?

Wrong. Just because we aren't aware of it, it's still there. So unless we do something about it, sooner or later it's going to blow up. Then somebody is likely to get hurt when it does.

We can deal with anger the same way. If we are afraid of or uncomfortable with our own feelings of anger, we may repress our awareness of the fact that we are angry. But there are still angry feelings there, building toward an explosion whether we know it or not.

Another way we can deal with our anger is to deny its importance. Using our analogy, it's as though we're saying to ourselves, "Sure, there's a pressure cooker there, and, OK, its filled with steam, but it's really not all that dangerous."

Famous last words. We can deny the danger of the situation all we want, but sooner or later our pressure cooker is going to blow.

We can use the same argument to deny the importance of our angry feelings. "They're no big deal," we tell ourselves, or I shouldn't feel angry. We know we are angry, but we brush it aside and figure that it will just go away. We may wind up acting grouchy or sarcastic or withdrawn, but angry? Of course not. For all our denial, though, sooner or later we are going to explode. It's just a matter of time.

There's a third choice that gets made all too often. What happens to our pressure cooker if we turn up the heat? Slowly but surely we add to the pressure we've been busily ignoring or denying. Eventually there gets to be so much pressure that it's impossible to take the lid off safely. Again, the whole thing blows up in our face.

It's the same with our angry feelings. We can build up so much anger that we're like that pressure cooker just waiting to blow. When we do, we go into a rage that can last for days or weeks or months. It's no telling who gets hurt in such an explosion.

There has got to be a better way. Fortunately there is.

Manufacturers build steam vents into pressure cookers to let the steam out slowly and safely. We can let our anger out slowly and safely, too.

Let's take a real life situation and see how we might handle it.

Our spouse calls from work and says he or she is going to be an hour late for dinner. As it's our turn to cook, we adjust our plans accordingly.

Then it turns out our spouse is, in fact, two hours late. The dinner we worked hard to prepare gets old and cold. And to make matters worse, the late arrival could have been home on time but stopped off to visit a friend. So we've got some angry feelings. How do we deal with them?

We could repress them. Or we could deny that they're all that important. Or we might wait until we're so ticked off that we throw a fit.

On the other hand, we might want to try sharing our anger constructively. For instance, we might say: "I'm really angry right now. I worked hard on supper and now it's ruined. It seems to me that you were pretty rude in not getting home when you said you would."

Now, such honesty may lead to a bit of an argument, but that's OK. As angry as we are, we're going to argue one way or the other, anyway. It's a lot easier to just deal with such issues when they arise. Waiting only makes things worse.

If we can consistently talk out our anger, we can avoid a lot of unnecessary and unproductive squabbles. It takes time and hard work, and sometimes some help. But it can be done.

Maybe swearing up a storm is not the best way to express anger, but talking about it certainly is. Let's let off steam in a way that keeps the lid on. It's a lot safer.

•The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.