Don't parent your parents

I hear it more and more - from counseling clients, friends, family members, in the press and at professional seminars. How do we decide when our elderly parents can no longer take care of themselves?

A grandmother gives away a large sum of money to a questionable charity. A father insists on obviously selfdestructive eating and drinking habits. An uncle refuses to put his handicapped wife in a nursing home even though he is no longer able to provide the extensive care that she requires. An elderly woman refuses to sell the large family home even though she is no longer able to maintain it.

What do we do? What can we do? What right do we have to do anything? How can we deal with our elders' and our own confusing and uncomfortable feelings while trying to answer these questions?

I wish I had an easy answer to these and the numerous other questions that such situations raise. I don't. I can suggest some observations and guidelines that may be of help as we try to sort all this out.

First, we do have legal means for dealing with persons not competent to care for themselves. Those choosing these procedures will find them long, tedious, and unpleasant; they are there as a means of last resort.

We do need to recognize, however, that people have a right to live in ways that seem strange, if not downright crazy, to the rest of us. We do put legal limits on this - for example, we can't live in ways that hurt others or violate their rights to live as they please. And we cannot actively try to take our own life though we can, and often do, live in ways that are selfdestructive. But that still leaves an awful lot of room for people, including our elders, to do things that aren't good for them.

With this in mind, we still are going to feel like we need to do something to keep our elder family members from hurting themselves. Fortunately, there are some things we can do short of starting legal proceedings.

Often our elder relatives will ask for help if we give them a chance to do so. None of us likes to be pushed or pulled; we will often dig in our heels just to prove we can. But if we simply tell our seniors that we are there to help, or that other people and services are available if needed, they will often choose for themselves to get the help they need.

We also can be careful not to enable our elders' attempts to deny their need for help. If we are constantly rescuing them from the consequences of their own mistakes, and exhausting ourselves in the process, we aren't doing anybody a favor. We can still care and set some limits on our involvement. This will also help our elders to come to terms with their own limits and needs.

Finally, we need to avoid treating our elders like children. They may act childish and seem as dependent as children, but that doesn't give us the right to play parent because we all act childish at times. They are still adults and deserve the respect that comes with that accomplishment. And we don't need to add them to the children we already care for.

The above is a start, but there is a lot more we need to take into consideration. If we get stuck in trying to deal with our elder family members, we may want to consult a social worker or family therapist for some help.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastorale counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.