Looking into the 'whys' of tragedy

It's a story that's become too familiar: Someone guns down an ex-spouse on a suburban street, then his or her own life with the same weapon.

Frankly, it might not even shock or surprise us. Such stories have become such a part of our day-to-day lives that they often elicit little more than a weary shake of the head and a sigh of resignation.

Many of us are so numbed by the violence around us that we seldom even ask ourselves why, or what, if anything, we can do about it. But perhaps those questions deserve more attention and thought.

I think we need to start our search for answers by looking at our culture as a whole. American society has always been violent. We even glory in it to some degree. Think of our cultural heroes - the frontiersman, the cowboy, the soldier, the shoot-first cop, the intergalactic warrior.

We tend to seldom offer up examples of peaceful ways to deal with conflict or misunderstanding. Whether it's the 3-year-old who has already mastered "I'll kick your butt," a favorite saying in our neighborhood; the gang member who carries a gun just because he likes the feel of it; or the parent who slaps the child's hand reaching for candy; we have all learned violence as a first option.

Second, we ought to take a look at what help we offer people in the midst of crisis and who may turn to violence. Who is there for the rejected wife full of rage? What resources do we offer the father who is so overwhelmed by responsibility that he lashes out in violence? What friends, family members or professionals are readily available when people reach the end of their ropes? Most violence, especially family violence, is spontaneous, erratic and arbitrary. It can happen to almost any of us at one time or the other.

Third, what impact does the availability of weapons have on the violence we see? I agree that ultimately it is people who hurt other people. We are responsible for our behavior. Yet I wonder if it is necessary to have guns so readily available that a rage-filled or out-of-control men or women or a vengeful child can easily find and use one.

Asking questions is easy. Finding answers is a bit more difficult. Let me offer some suggestions, though.

1. We need to teach nonviolence. Ultimately that is the only salvation for our violent society. Parents, the media, schools, churches and government need to make a concentrated effort to offer a viable alternative to violence as a means of expressing anger or settling disputes. It will take a long time for such an effort to become effective, so we'd better start soon.

2. Shorter term, we ought to invest more in crisis-oriented services. Help lines, mental health services and shelters need to become as commonplace as the violence we now endure. And we need to raise the issue in our friendships and families, reminding each other that we can be there for each other - to listen, to counsel, to help maintain control. Let's face it, we all need someone to call on when things get to be more than we can handle.

3. Finally, we need to limit access to weapons like handguns or assault rifles, which are both too lethal and too convenient. Two lives would have probably been saved if that suburban woman had not had access to any easily concealed handgun at her moment of insanity.

Certainly she still might have found a way to kill her ex-husband. But maybe having to work a bit harder at it might have given her time to regain her sanity.

Since it stretches the imagination to think that we need assault rifles sitting around in our homes for self-defense, there is simply no evidence to support the value of having such weapons available.

The bottom line is that right now it's just too easy for people to kill each other.

Teaching that violence is not normal, providing more help for people in crisis, limiting access to deadly weapons - these are options at least worth a try. Because friends, we've sure got to try something.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.