Some NFL predictions to make you laugh or cry
Here are some certain predictions for the NFL's increasingly uncertain new season:
For starters, the Bears will live in fear that Matt Forte could join Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis and Cedric Benson as faces atop Mt. Rushless.
Forte will be injured while getting off the bus running.
Impressed by the speed of Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt, the Bears will try him out at defensive tackle.
Nobody will have to tell you that they tried out Michael Phelps as executive waterboy.
The best thing about newly ordained starting quarterback Kyle Orton will be that he isn't Rex Grossman.
The worst thing will be that he isn't third-string undrafted rookie Caleb Hanie.
The most popular Bear won't be the backup quarterback but the backup's backup.
Then Hanie will get in a game and the most popular Bear will be whoever the backup's backup's backup is.
Orton will learn that he can manage a 7-Eleven, a stock portfolio and his facial hair, but an NFL quarterback must do more than just manage an offense.
First-round draft choice Chris Williams will require more rest between starts than Rich Harden and Carlos Zambrano combined.
The Bears offensive line will play reverse musical chairs - more chairs than able bodies to fill them.
Brian Urlacher will be broke both physically and financially by Week 8.
When it comes to playing wide receiver, Devin Hester will be a great kick returner.
The Bears will really be in trouble if as a wide receiver Hester is a great cornerback.
Mike Brown will be comeback player of the year three times during this one season.
The Bears will prove this isn't a rebuilding year by losing more games than last year.
They'll overachieve and finish with a 6-10 record.
The Vikings will beat the Bears at their own game by winning the NFC North without a quarterback.
Minnesota's Adrian Peterson will be injured half the season and still lead the NFL in rushing.
Aaron Rodgers will fill Brett Favre's shoes but won't be able to walk in his footsteps.
Packers' management will look in the mirror and wonder, "What were we thinking?"
Meanwhile in New York, Favre will be singing, "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."
Someone will say, "The Giants won the Super Bowl last season? No really, the Giants won the Super Bowl last season?"
Bill Parcells will flip out and moon the moon over Miami.
Anytime an injured player misses a game, critics will snicker, "Sarah Palin would've played."
Chad Ocho Cinco eventually, inevitably will be ocho seis-ed by the Bengals.
Jessica Simpson will be several NFL quarterbacks' MVP - Most Valuable Plaything.
Tony Romeo, er, Romo won't be one of them after moving on to Marge Simpson.
Tom Brady will admit he aggravated his fragile foot while playing footsie with Gisele Bündchen.
The Patriots won't win the Super Bowl but Bill Belichick will take home an MTV music award for best sports video.
Either the Giants or Colts will have to win the Super Bowl because no other team has a quarterback named Manning.
It'll be the Colts.
But if the Bears beat them tonight, this NFL season will become impossible to predict.
mimrem@dailyherald.com