Age appropriate parenting

"I'll be so glad when she can take care of herself some of the time."

"Where have you been? It's two in the morning!"

"Would you please be quiet!"

"Why don't you talk to us anymore? We're your parents."

"Isn't it cute the way they hold hands?"

"Can't they keep their hands off each other!"

"I wish he'd grow up!"

"We've lost our baby - he's off to college!"

You can't win. No sooner do you start to get used to the foibles of your 5-year-old than she's a teenager, with a whole new repertoire of confusing and worrisome behaviors. Kids seem to grow up so fast that it's all we can do to remember their age, let alone understand it.

I once asked my mother how she kept up with her five children, now all grown. Her reply: "Who had time to keep up? I'm still behind!"

All in all, parenting seems to be one of those jobs where you get hired first and trained later, if at all.

In some respects, that can't be avoided. Each child and each parent are unique. Each parent/child relationship is unique as well. Yet there are common stages in a child's growth and development. And there are some common styles of parenting that make sense at each of these stages.

Let's talk about some of these.

• Caretaker or caregiver - during the first few years of our children's lives, they are dependent on us for just about everything including food, shelter, hygiene, physical and emotional intimacy. To be good parents is to meet these needs as completely and consistently as possible. Feeding, bathing, holding and lots of loving are all part of this job.

• Supervisor - as our children progress through the toddler and preschool stages of development, their parenting needs change. They still depend on us to meet most of their physical and emotional needs. But they also are becoming much more independent. Kids at this age need to try things out, to explore and to be assertive often by saying "no." In the midst of this, they also need to be protected from harm due to their lack of experience. Parenting, then, is a deft balance of taking care while gently supervising the child's growing independence.

• Manager - school age children 5-12 continue to need our physical and emotional nurturing. They also need consistent rules, responsibilities and guidance. They need these, however, in gradually diminishing amounts. Just as the manager of a company is less involved with employees than a supervisor, we too need to gradually decrease control of our children's lives; but less control does not mean less love.

• Advisor - teenagers require that we further alter our role as parents. We need to recognize that, even if we need to, we cannot control our teen's life. Adolescents are actively exploring their expanding world and making some important choices. They look to parents for support, physical and emotional, for advice and stability. We parents can be an important source of acceptance, encouragement and comfort. If we can remain both firm and flexible and see ourselves as advisers rather than commanders, we can play a crucial role in our children's development toward adulthood.

• Consultant - late adolescence and early adulthood concludes the major changes in our roles as parents. As our children begin to make their own way in the world, their need for our physical support decreases. Nor do we provide their most important emotional support. Yet we can continue to play an important part in their lives. We can be respected and valued resources for our children as they struggle along many of the paths of adulthood that we too have walked. Our consultation, when given as a gift rather than dictated as a demand, can help our children avoid some, though never all, of the rough spots. And we can continue to be there to help them back on their feet when they do fall, as we all inevitably do.

• Colleague - this final phase of parenting recognizes that there comes a time when our grown children become friends as well as offspring. The unique relationship of parent and child never really ends. As our children join us in adulthood, however, they often begin to share common values, goals and experiences with us. These can be the foundation of a friendship that will be special to parent and child alike.

It is important to keep these changing roles in mind. Some parents are unable or unwilling to "go with the flow." They may try to parent a teen, for example, as though they were a preteen. When this happens, not only is the child's growth and development stunted, but conflict between parent and child inevitably result. On the other hand, parenting a toddler as though they were a teenager doesn't work, either. It's the fit that's important.

Parenting is a tough job. There's no doubt about it. And it can also be a scary and painful job at times. "Letting go" of our children may be one of the most frightening things we ever do. Yet, it can be one of the most rewarding as well.

Oh, and we will make mistakes. There is no doubt about that, either. What is important is that we learn from our mistakes.

We can also educate ourselves as much as possible before we make some of these mistakes. If you're interested, check your local bookstore. There are also a growing number of parenting classes and groups in our area.

• The Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.