I hear that new rumor-busting Web site is run by aliens

Most of us suburbanites can't even remember the last time we were the subject of a rumor. Our lives just aren't that interesting.

Oh, maybe there are whispers that you "stay in the game" with your lush, brown beard because of a "Just For Men" dye job. Perhaps the neighbors suspect Botox (and not a stroke) as the reason you couldn't feel that chunk of potato salad hanging off your chin during Saturday's picnic.

Most of us would be flattered to have people talking about us. But the rumors whirling around Barack and Michelle Obama are so hot and heavy that the couple decided they need a Web site just to debunk the junk.

Of course, people who read on the Internet that the Obamas are racist, foreign, Muslim terrorists plotting to destroy America (or at least white folks) probably aren't going to believe anything written on their new Web site called fightthesmears.com.

Even so, the Obamas' aggressive rumor-busting site is fun. There's his birth certificate, a video of him leading the Pledge of Allegiance, a photo of him taking the oath of office with Dick Cheney and a Bible. It almost makes me wish the Obamas had more smears to fight. And that John and Cindy McCain had a similar site.

In that spirit, I'd like to provide both candidates and their spouses with outlandish lies to vanquish. Lies such as:

• McCain is so old and has such a ferocious temper that you can read about his bad side in the Bible, which tells the story of how McCain killed his more successful brother, McAbel.

• The same Republican dirty tricks team that once passed out fliers insinuating McCain had fathered a black child really blew it this time with their fliers suggesting Obama has fathered two black children.

• Fox News has a secret video showing Maury Povich telling Obama, "You ARE the Baby Daddy."

• Democratic Swiftboaters charge that McCain became a willing prisoner of war during Vietnam simply as a way to avoid the risk of coming home with as many Purple Hearts as John Kerry.

• Both candidates are filming rap commercials to be more like Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella.

• Takeoff on Ronald Reagan's famous campaign ad is scrapped after spelling mistake discovered in "It's Mourning Again in America."

• In an attempt to trick Southern voters, Democrats insert a typo on all the ballots in Alabama so their candidate is listed simply as 'Bama.

• For the first time in their adult lives, Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain both were proud Sunday that Dale Earnhardt Jr. won NASCAR's LifeLock 400.

• As our oldest president, McCain would move the State of the Union speech from primetime to 4:30 in the afternoon -- or as he calls it, suppertime.

• Obama fraudulently raises campaign funds in Chicago by signing autographs as big-eared Cubs reliever Carlos Marmol.

• McCain is so old, he actually financed his first campaign with winnings from his bet on the 1908 Cubs.

• Obama has a new anti-Semitic, bagel-bashing Web site called "Fight the Shmears."

• If you play the video of Obama reciting the Pledge of Allegiance backward, it gives away the ending to M. Night Shyamalan's new movie.

• Inspired by Monday's thrilling 18-holes-followed-by-sudden-death playoff that saw biracial rock star Tiger Woods wear down golfer Rocco Mediate (who had hoped to become the oldest U.S. Open winner ever), Obama offers to decide the presidency with one basketball shot from the top of the key. McCain, shunning any sudden death scenarios, counters with his offer of 10 frames of bowling -- on a Wii.