Recognizing differences is part of father, son bond
I spent a few days with my younger brother Jim a bit ago. Both of us have teenage sons, though they are at the extreme ends of this developmental spectrum - his is 13 and mine is 19.
We wound up comparing notes about the challenges of being responsible fathers for today's adolescent males, in particular balancing our own needs to stay connected and their needs to push back a bit.
Jim shared one story that I found especially telling. My brother had taken his son Jason camping in the Smoky Mountains. Camping has always been a love of Jim's, and he saw this as a great way to connect one-on-one with his teenager.
At the end of the first full day of some rather strenuous hiking, Jim and Jason sat around the campfire to talk about the next day's plans. After a bit, Jason rather tentatively asked "Dad, have you done pretty much what you wanted to do?"
When Jim responded in the affirmative, Jason went on, "Well, if it's OK with you, why don't we head back?"
Despite Jim's disappointment, he sensed that the camping connection he was hoping for was not going to happen. In fact, he realized that Jason's presence with him was more about taking care of his father, rather than about anything he, Jason, actually wanted to do.
Rather than create a conflict, Jim smiled, agreed to Jason's suggestion, packed up and drove home. Though they did not have the experience Jim had hoped for, they still could take home a fairly good memory of some father-son time.
As I shared similar experiences in trying to connect with my son, it became clear to us that we were both haunted by the premature death of our own father. Actually, he had never been a strong presence in our lives, mainly due to the demands of his job and the needs of a family with five children. We were both determined to be there for our own sons in ways our dad had not.
Now, the irony in this is that our over sensitivity to being present in our sons' lives blinded us a bit to their developmental need to be there a bit less for us. Adolescent boys do need to know their fathers are there for them when they want them. And we fathers need to continually offer our teenagers the chance to spend time together. But we dads should also not be all that surprised when our sons are not excited about every opportunity we offer, or when they choose to spend time with friends, or even alone, rather than time with dad.
Our job as fathers of adolescent males is to love our sons unconditionally, affirm their worth as persons, and help them to accumulate the skills they need to move out into the adult world. That doesn't mean we will be their best buddies; but, hopefully, it doesn't mean we will be their worst enemies, either. It is a tough job, but we dads need to find a balance between being friend, mentor, guide, and authority for our sons. As our sons grow older, how and where we find that balance will change as well.
My brother and I will remain determined to be there for our sons. Thank God we can be there for each other, too. This dad stuff is not easy!
Rev. Ken Potts is a pastoral counselor and marriage and family therapist with Samaritan Interfaith Counseling Centers, Naperville and Downers Grove. His book, "Take One A Day," can be ordered at local bookstores or online.