Research suggests principles to follow for healthy marriages

One of the better researchers out there is John Gottman, who has spent decades trying to figure out what makes for healthy marriages. This is not an unusual focus -- we've been researching marriage for the last 50 or 60 years now, and giving advice about it for thousands of years more. What makes Gottman a bit different is that he is a very good researcher, writer and speaker as well.

A few years back, Gottman and collaborator Nan Silver summarized some of his work in the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." The book itself is well worth reading. I want to use this week's column to highlight his central ideas. Following are my takes on Gottman's seven principles.

Principle #1: Enhance Your Love Maps. It is almost shocking how little some marriage partners know about their spouses and the lives they live. We aren't talking deepest, darkest secrets here. We're talking about how our marriage partners spend their days, what foods they enjoy, what makes and doesn't make them feel special and all the other details that make each of us different and unique.

Gary Chapman in his popular book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate," makes this same point. Few things are more central to our sense of being loved in our marriages than believing that our partner knows, understands and accepts us.

Principle #2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. Probably all marriage relationships provide us with myriad opportunities to love and respect our spouses. On the other hand, we suspect that probably all marriage relationships also provide us with plenty of opportunities to feel disappointed, frustrated and disdainful of our marriage partners. What we choose to focus on has a significant role in the overall health and stability of our marriages. In the best marriages, both partners seem by unspoken agreement to focus on those aspects of their partners and their relationships leading to feelings of fondness and admiration for each other.

We know it when we see it -- couples that touch easily, make eye contact and smile at each other, or enjoy telling positive and amusing stories about their lives together. It's not that they aren't aware of the other side of the coin, but that they choose to focus on the positive.

The word "choose" here is important. It is a choice these couples are making. And making this choice over the life of marriages takes constant attention and work. Gottman also uses the word "nurture," suggesting that, as with all living things, marriages requires our sensitive, gentle and caring support if they are to grow and prosper.

Principle #3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Again we know this when we see it. Some couples just seem to be connected in almost everything they do. They may be sitting watching TV or reading books, doing the shopping, weeding the garden or giving their kids baths, but we still have that sense that they are emotionally "facing" each other, that they are engaged at a level we can't see but know is there. So when things heat up a bit or get more intense in their marriages, they turn toward each other even more.

Obviously doing this requires time together, sensitivity to each other and a willingness to stay engaged even when partners feel like running away. Gottman observed this time and time again in his marriage lab as he searched for what makes healthy marriages.

Principle #4: Let Your Partner Influence You. Sometimes it is what new TV to buy, what play group to enroll the 4-year-old in, or how much money to budget for vacations. Couples who share decision making, who seek out and respect each other's opinions, who even sometimes postpone decisions until they agree together on the best choices have healthier long-term marriages than those who don't. This can be especially tough for guys in our culture, but it is still true.

Principle #5: Solve Your Solvable Problems. Not all issues or differences in marriage are solvable. This means that we won't always agree on common resolutions or solutions to our conflicts. Sometimes we have to simply accept our differences, come up with some agreement we can both at least live with, and go along to get along.

On the other hand, if we can solve problems, it is a good idea to do so as quickly and efficiently as we can. This may sometimes involve learning new ways to deal with conflicts in our marriages. Most couples get stuck on occasion as we try to negotiate our issues or differences. Often we don't have the right conflict management tools to use. This is one of those relational strengths that may take third parties like marriage counselors or marriage communication trainers to help us develop.

Principle #6: Overcome Gridlock. Sometimes even the healthiest couples can seem to get stuck on issues or differences that they just can't get past. More often than not, this is because there are underlying factors having to do with personalities, emotions or values that have not been explored.

It is no surprise to most couples that they bring different personalities to marriage. It may be a bit of surprise that personality-based differences and issues are among the most difficult to address. She is always on time; he is always late. She is messy; he is neat. She likes to be with lots of people lots of the time; he enjoys time alone. These are just a few of the differences that are more personality than anything else. Sure, we can adapt and adjust our personality-based behaviors to some degree. We are still going to be who we are, however. Healthy marriages work to accommodate personality differences, not get lost in them.

When it comes to emotions and values, there is more room for change. Still, things like what church to attend, how far to live from extended families, whether or not to have children or how many, often involve the deepest parts of whom we are. These are parts that we may not be all that familiar with ourselves. Successful couples seem to be able to radically slow down addressing these issues and differences and focus primarily on simply understanding each other. Often this emphasis on just understanding actually does lead to deciding. Even when it doesn't, creating such understanding helps prevent differences or issues from becoming threats to our marriages themselves.

Principle #7: Create Shared Meaning. This is icing on the cake. In addition to doing all of the above, really satisfying marriages include a common sense of what life is all about, what gives life purpose, focus and meaning.

This doesn't happen all at once in our marriages, any more than it does in our lives as individuals. Even when we have a pretty good sense of shared meaning, we need to be ready for this to evolve and change over time. How many of us find the same purpose or direction in our lives that compelled us at age 25 to be the same at age 55? Creating shared meaning as couples is a lifelong process.

Though the above is a short summary of Gottman's work, I hope that you will take the time to explore it more fully. Creating and sustaining a healthy marriage is no easy job. We can all use all the help we can get.